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SMS Jokes

Wednesday, May 28, 2008 | 0 comments |

Duniya Gol Hai:-----Chuha Billi se darta hai,
Billi Kutte se darti hai,Kutta Aadmi se darta hai,
Aadmi Biwi se darta hai,Biwi Chuhhe se darti hai.!
Duniya Gol Hai..

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Ek sharabi marne laga tab bhagwan pratyaksh hoke "koi antim ichcha?"
sharabi- agle janam me ek liver extra laga dena....!

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Ek macchar ek takle ke sar par ja baita...
Dusra macchar bola:- Waha kya ghar dunda hai..
Pehla macchar bola:- Ghar kaha re abi to sirf PLOT karida hai...

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Boy to girl:Hey if i climb this coconut tree, I can see Engg college
girls.
Girl:Leave both the hands from there, U can see medical college girls..

----------------------------------------------------

Judge-is sardar ke dono kan kaat do.
Sardar-nahin mai andha hojaunga.
Judge-kan katne se andha kaise hoga?
Sardar-chashma kya tere baap ke kan pe lagaunga
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Sardarji went to his neighbours house for function & had some snacks.
Sardar: CHAKLI Kitna different & tasty hai!
Neighbr: wo CHAKLI nahi, MOSQUITO COIL hai....

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Teacher: U idiots! At your age Einstein ranked first in class. Wt abt
u..?
Student: Sir at your age Hitler committed suicide..! Wt abt u..?

Pictures - Bachelor's bed

Wednesday, May 28, 2008 | 0 comments |

Desi sms - SMS Jokes

Tuesday, May 27, 2008 | 0 comments |

Exam ma question tha, "challenge kisey kete hain?"
Sardar n purey pages khali chor kar last page p likha "apny bap k
aulad ha to pass ker k dikhao"

*************
A sardar learning English introduces his family at a party!
Hi…………!
I am a sardar, This is my sardarni, he is my kid and she is my
kidney….!!!!

Adult sms - Desi SMS

Tuesday, May 27, 2008 | 0 comments |

1 police or 1 foji ek sath train m safar ker rahe they……………
Police: Ap chuti p ja rahe hen?
Foji: Han meri wife k dekiivery ha.
Police: Kitne din bad gher ja rahe haen?
Foji: 2 sal baad.
Police: Phir tu wo bacha haram ka ho ga jo hone wala ha.
Foji: mujhe konsa gher rakhna ha, police mae bharti kara donga!

***********

BV: 1 bat batao. Maroge to nahi,
Huby: nahi
BV: main pregnant hoon
Huby: y to khoshi k bat hay
BV: Shadi se pehle jb abba k bataya tha to unhu n to bohat mara tha.

***********
2 gals werehaving sex using carrots.
Sardar asked: wat r u doing?
Gals: u naughty guy, come on join us?
Sardar: 1 minute mae V gajaran lai awan.

***********
A new wife has 3 qualities……….. economist in kitchen, artish at
home, devil at bed. After a few years she is ……. Artist in kitchen,
devil at home n economist in bed.


There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

Life's Little Successes

At age 5 success is not peeing in your pants

At age 10 success is having friends

At age 16 success is having your driver's license

At age 20 success is having sex.

At age 35 success is having money

At age 50 success is having money

At age 65 success is having sex

At age 70 success is having your driver's license

At age 75 success is having friends

At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on
her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband
watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any
idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter
with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
"I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram
and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18
year-old."


The husband said, "What did he say about your 56
year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of firecrackers on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put 'Happy Diwali' under the firecrackers.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a tattoo of buckets of water with 'Happy Holi' up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, 'If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?'

She said, 'I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Diwali and Holi.'

A man entered the bus with both of his pants pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a Sardar Jee. The puzzled

Sardar Jee kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from him, he said, "its golf balls". The Sardar Jee continued to look at him for a very

long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain his curiosity any longer, he asked; "Does it hurt as much as tennis

elbow?"

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.


*******

Sex is like nokia -connecting people
like Nike -just do it
Like Pepsi -ask for more
Like Samsung -everyone is invated
and like me -TO GOOD TO BE TRUE!

********
Sex is a sensation caused by temptation when a man puts his location in a woman's destination. Do u get my explanation, or do u need a demonstration?!

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

PRINCIPAL :
Agar koi ladka girls hostel mein gaya toh first time 100 Rs fine, 2nd time 200 Rs. Fine and 3rd time 500.

MUNNA BHAI :
Boley to Monthly paas ka kya lega Mamu

Santa : Tere hath diyan unglan kiniya hai ?
Banta : 6 (six)
Santa: Tenu kinni var kiha hai k kachhe vichon hath bahar kad k unglan giniya kar

One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in UK.

A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing"
Sardar answered '" No I am Banta Singh"

Another Guy Came and asked the same Question.
Sardar answered " No No Me ! Banta Singh"

Third one came and asked the same question, Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.

While walking he saw another Sardar enjoying the Beach.

He went and asked him " Are you Relaxing?". The other Sardar was much educated and answered "Yes I am relaxing.

The Sardar slapped him on his face and said "Idiot, they are all searching for you and you are sitting here"

One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in UK.

A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing"
Sardar answered '" No I am Banta Singh"

Another Guy Came and asked the same Question.
Sardar answered " No No Me ! Banta Singh"

Third one came and asked the same question, Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.

While walking he saw another Sardar enjoying the Beach.

He went and asked him " Are you Relaxing?". The other Sardar was much educated and answered "Yes I am relaxing.

The Sardar slapped him on his face and said "Idiot, they are all searching for you and you are sitting here"

Laloo Prasad Yadav talks to his son.

Laloo: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I want to choose my own bride".
Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...... Yes"

Next Laloo approaches Mukesh Ambani
Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."
Ambani : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Laloo : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Ambani : "Ah, in that case.....Yes"

Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President :"But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case.......Yes."

This is how business is done!!!

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He told,"First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!!!!

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

Smallest resignation letter













Dear Sir

I love your wife.

regards

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Santa: "When I woke up this morning, I felt like going out and getting a job."
Banta: "Did you?"
Santa: "No. I stayed in bed until the feeling passed."

******************************************************************
Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause ven he got out.
Santa: I didn't say he got out.


******************************************************************
Banta ek Sadhu se bola: " Baba, meri biwi bahut pareshan karti hai, koi upay batao."
Sadhu: "Beta, upaay hota to main sadhu kyun banta?"

******************************************************************
Santa found answer to the most difficult question ever- What comes first -
the chicken or the egg?
O yaar, jiska order pehle doge, vo ayega!

******************************************************************
Banta sent sms to Santa: Bhejnewala mahan, padhnewala gadha.
Santa got angry and replied: Bhejnewala gadha, padhnewala mahan.

******************************************************************
What's Ford?
Santa: Gaadi.
What's Oxford?
Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi

******************************************************************
Santa: I'm a proud father. My son is in m! edical college.
Banta: What's he studying?"
Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him!

******************************************************************
A lady asked Santa: LIPTON di chah hai?
Santa replied: Mainu ta nahi hai ji, tainu hai ta lipat ja...

******************************************************************
Banta: Name the 3 fastest means of communication.
Santa: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman

Santa came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife, Jeeto, with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Banta", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Ramta then?" he asked.

"No !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" Jeeto snapped.

Santa enters a store that sell curtains.

He tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assured him that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed him several patterns, but Santa seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally, he selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman asked what size curtains he needed.

Santa replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

Santa tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for his computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But, sir, computers do not have curtains!"

Santa says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"

SMS jokes

Sunday, May 18, 2008 | 0 comments |

A lady delivered twins. Suprisingly one is a boy and another is a dog how it is possible? Bcoz her husband is HUTCH DEALER.... wherever u go out network follows

Husband: Today is sunday & I have to enjoy it. So i bought 3 movie tickets. Wife: why three? Husband: 4 u and ur parents.

Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller? Tommy: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.

What is the difference between Mother & Wife? One woman brings you into this world crying... & the other ensures you Continue to do so!!

Husbd: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle. Wife: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300ml now it's 1.5 ltr.


A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times.
He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis."
The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem.
He tells her what the doc told him.
She says, "Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that! We should make a list!"
He replies, "I already made a list on the way home, and I'm afraid you're name isn't on it.

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''

The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John & I have been having some sexual problems." Linda told her friend.

"That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I."

"We're thinking of going to a sex therapist." said Linda

"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"

"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.

"But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios……."

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone.

He approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's beautiful," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied, "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men. What's your name?" she asked. "Beerfuck," he replied.

A man went to the doctor's office to get a doubledose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a doubledose. "Why not?" asked the man.

Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.

The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday.
Can't you u see? I must have a double dose."

The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'l give it to you,
but you have to come in on Monday morning so that
I can check you to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up".

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Tampa. As
the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the Women have boobs
bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes back to play in the ocean.

Then he runs to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than
his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his Mother:
"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the Longer he talks
the " dumber" he gets.

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of
marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the
bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other
signing, or lips to lip-read.
After several nights of fumbling around and many
misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For
instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over
and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have
sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his
wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his
penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis
two hundred and fifty times.

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blow job: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?"
The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She, "How much for the black one?"
He, "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She, "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He, "$35."
She, "How much for the white one?"
He, "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She, "I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He, "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She, How much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He, "Well, that's a very special dildo it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

Problem:

Ten blondes and a brunette were hanging onto a rope that was tied to an airplane. They knew that one of them needed to let go because the weight of all eleven of them would tear the rope and they would all die.

So, they argued back and forth about who was to let go. This went on for a few minutes, until the brunette finally said, "Ok, I'll let go!"

The brunette gave a little speech about why she would go and said her farewells. All of the blondes were so touched, they started clapping.

Problem solved.

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about “courting” from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.
“ ’Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he’s not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and gettin’ all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt.

“About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick — a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared — her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she’s ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

“Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were dripping out.

“Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn’t dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats — they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis’s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.”

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, “I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...’’
He is interrupted by the doctor. “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?”

“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes”.

Two weeks go by and the man is back. “Well, how do you feel?” the doctor asked.

“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And by the way, you have a lovely home.”

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!”

His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”

“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”

Ek baar do bhopali jhagada kar rahe the.
Ke bola main teri gaand mar lunga.
to doosra bhopali bola ,
dekho miyna jhagada kar rahe ho to jhagada kro beech main romantic batin mat karo.

DELIVERED

Wednesday, May 07, 2008 | 0 comments |

Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife.
Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing.
The report said, "DELIVERED".

The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing and sheing to stand up!"

Half of his congregation stood up.

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing and heing to stand up!"

A couple of men stood up.

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been sheing and sheing to stand up!"

Several women stood up.

The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnny.

The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin? Little Johnny, stand up… I guess you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do you have to say!"

Little Johnny replied, "Reverend, you ain't said nothing about meing and meing!"

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face.

Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board.

Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

Little Johnny has just been to a Father & Son Night to learn all about the birds and the bees, but there are a few points that he's not quite clear on.

He asks his dad what a vagina looks like during lovemaking.

"Well son, at the start of lovemaking, it looks like a perfect compact rose bud under a brilliant moon lit sky... mysterious, shadowy and inviting."

"During the act of lovemaking, that rose bud opens as it would on a spring morning. The dew glistens and sparkles on the petals as it slowly opens in response to the excitation of the sun."

"And after lovemaking Dad.. what's it look like after lovemaking?"

"OK... imagine a bull dog that's just had a bowl of custard."

This teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'Contagious.'

She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands. "Carl," she says.

Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, beause they're contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher.

Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class.

"Yes, Johnny?" she says.

Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbour painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."

A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. "A police car has just called at the Hamiltons house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchells are having sex." Hearing this, the boys parents shot bolt upright. "How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?" "Because their kid is standing on the balcony too."

Girls On Vacation

Tuesday, May 06, 2008 | 0 comments |

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. Its easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you whats inside." They start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isnt good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there nare still two floors left, they continue on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect. "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they would be missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. On the fifth floor they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day. His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"