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A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she’s a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.

“Is it true you’re a prostitute?”

“Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I dunno. What do you charge?”

“I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there..”

“$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?”

“You see that Ferrari out there?”

The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there’s a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. “I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it’s worth it.”

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he’s ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

The next night he’s back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.

“Last night was incredible!”

“Of course it was. Just wait ’til you try one of my blow jobs..”

“How much is that?”

“$500″

“$500!?! C’mon, that’s ridiculous!”

“You see that apartment building across the street?”

The guy looks out front at a 12-story apartment building.

“I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it’s worth it.

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints… twice.

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. “I’m hooked, you’re the best! Tell me, what’ll it cost me for some pussy?”

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street. There between the buildings he can see Manhattan.

“You see that island?”

“Aw, c’mon! You can’t mean that!”

She nods her head. “You bet. If I had a pussy, I’d own Manhattan!”

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away Johnny! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”

Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” Trying to placate him, she says, “OK, I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?” He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.”

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?” Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.” Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, “What do I do now?” In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”

Videos - Indian donkey

Wednesday, July 30, 2008 | 0 comments |


Coke has launched it's latest brand ambessdor for it's coke ads.


An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - “Doctor, I don’t know what the problem is, but I’ve been farting all the time. It’s not really a problem socially because they don’t make any noise and don’t smell. I just can’t stop farting all the time. In fact, since I’ve been standing here I must have farted at least 20 times.”

“No kidding…” says the doctor with a bit of an upturned nose. The doc says “I’ve got just the stuff.” and gives her some pills. “Here take these for 10 days, then return for a followup appointment.”

So she takes the pills and returns 10 later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. “What kind of medicine is this? I’m still farting just as much! They still don’t make any noise, but now they stink terribly!”

The doctor nodded, “Great, now that we’ve your sinuses cleared up, we’ll work on your hearing next!”

Funny jokes - Sale tips

Wednesday, July 30, 2008 | 0 comments |

A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.

Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
Customer : I guess so. I'll take one.
Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
Customer : Um, okay.
Sales manager: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.
Customer : I'll take one of those too.

After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for."

Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
Man: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
Man: Why would I want to do that?
Sales assistant: Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.

"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.

"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"

"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.

"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.

"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.

"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"

"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"

"Five dollars," was the familiar response.

"I'll take that too!" the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him, "Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.

What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"

Banta: Name the 3 fastest means of communication.
Santa: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman


Santa: I’m a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Banta: What’s he studying?”
Santa: He’s not studying, they are studying him!


Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A: Because it was an entrance exam.


What’s Ford?
Santa: Car.
What’s Oxford?
Santa: So simple, Car driven by Ox


Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion’s
cage.
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause ven he got out.
Santa: I didn’t say he got out.


Santa found answer to the most difficult question ever- What comes
first - the chicken or the egg?
“Depends on the sequence in which 1 places the order”


Santa (reading from book of facts): “Do you know that every time I
breathe a man dies?”
Banta: “Why don’t you use a mouth wash ?”


Jeeto: U tell a man something, it goes in one ear & comes out of the other.
Santa: U tell a woman something, it goes in both ears & comes out of the mouth.

A well dressed man was having a dinner in "Kake Da Hotel".
After he finished his dinner, he started to wash his hands
with table and chair. The owner saw him and got real angry
and asked, "Have you had dinner in some nice hotel before?"

Man: "Ya!" "I had dinner once in Ashoka Hotel."
Owner: "There also, you washed your hands with table and chair?"
Man: "Yes, I did."
Owner: "Nobody told you anything!"
Man: "They kicked me and said
'agar ase hi karna hai to kisi Kake Da Hotel mae jake khana khaa'.

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

Curious, the little girl looked at her mother and asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

A truck driver was zooming down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his obligation, he stopped to give the priest a ride.

A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and the driver aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway.

Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest.

"I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."

But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

Bob calls the law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry Bob, but he died last week."

The next day Bob calls again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "Bob, I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day Bob calls for the third time and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "Bob! I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?!!"

Bob replies, "Because I just love hearing it!"

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and cried, "MY ROLEX!"

We have our famous friend Santa Singh qualifying for the hot seat. ( He pressed the buttons by accident and managed to qualify).

Amitabh Bachchan : OK Santa I congratulate you for this opportunity here with us.

Santa : Oh ji Wahe guru da khalsa wahe guru di fateh. Chak denge phatte aaj. Tusi start karo ji.

Amitabh Bachchan : OK Santa this is your first question for 1000 Rs. - 'Which state has the largest sikh population ?' and your options are:

A. Punjab
B. Punjab
C. Punjab
D. Punjab

Santa : Oh ji how much time do I've to answer this question

Amitabh Bachchan : Samay ki koi pabandhi nahi hai Santa ji, you can take your time.

Santa (giggles) : Sir ji tricky sawaal puchha hai aapne. I would like to use my lifeline.

Amitabh Bachchan : I'm not surprised on this , which one wud U like to use.

Santa : Audience poll

Amitabh Bachchan : OK audience please be ready with your voting pads, and your time starts now.

After a minute we have a graphic presentation on the board.
A. 25%
B. 25%
C. 25%
D. 25%

Amitabh Bachchan : Santa ji, this is a no good situation for you, I can share your
disgust here.

Santa : Yeh mere saath hi kyon hota hai. Fasa diya Sirji aapki audience ne. I think I've to use my second lifeline - 50 50.

Amitabh Bachchan : Very good ! 50 50 ka istemal karna chahenge. OK computer ji do galat jawab mita diye jayen.

Computer displays A. Punjab and C. Punjab

Santa : Badi chalu machine hai aapki sar ji. Mein chodoonga nahi aaj isko. Wahe guru de kasam mereko third life line bhi chahiye.

Amitabh Bachchan : Kamal hai Santa ji, I must congratulate you, You have record of using all the lifelines in the very first question.This is great . OK phone a friend - kisko phone karna chahen ge aap.

Santa : My one and only one... mera langotiya yaar., Banta Singh.

Amitabh Bachchan : OK Banta ko phone lagaya jaye. Phone rings. Banta picks it 'Hulloooooo, kon hai oye adhi raati,???'

Amitabh Bachchan : Hello Banta ji , mein Amitabh Bachhan bol raha hoon Star Plus ke Kaun Banega Crorepati se.

Banta : OOOOOOOOOO Bachan ji Sasriyakal, koi hor hota to uski to mein.... #_^_%_#_%_%_&. Ki hal chal he sar ji.

Amitabh Bachchan : Mein thik hoon Banta ji, par ye ek family show hai is liye aap
apshabdon ka prayog na karen to behtar hoga. Aapke dost yahaan bethe hain mere saath aur.................

Banta (Interrupts) : Aur wo sala pehle hi question pe atak gayahoga, khota hai sala. Sawal pucho ji.

Amitabh Bachchan : Aapko sirf tees second .,.............chaliye mein aapko special
case karte hue 1 minute doonga. Aur aapka samay shuru hota hai aab.

Santa : Oye bante ke ho raya hai yaar ??

Banta : Oye ullu de dum, saale bahar se taala laga gaya khote. Sawere dud wala aaya si, paise mang raya si, aur khotya tu meri kameez pehen gaya. Sale chakki se aata lana tha, tera baap layega kya ??.

Amitabh Bachchan: Santa ji kya kar rahe hain samay khatam ho raha hai.
Santa : Yes Yes. Oye chod use yaar question hai ..... (he tells him the
question).

Banta : Saale sari zindagi tere nakal mar ke fail hota raha hoon, par iska answer mujhe aata hai. Kalank hai tu Punjab ke naam pe. Iska answer Punjab hai lallu.

Santa : oye par ......... (and the clock stops).

Amitabh Bachchan : Samay khatam, aapke mitr ne jawab de diya hai , ab to mujhe pakka confidence hai ke aap kam se kam 1000 to le ke jayenge hi aaj.

Santa : Ullu ka patha hai ji, ye to mujhe bhi pata hai par sale ne yeh to batya nahin ke A hai ya C hai.

And this was the last episode of KBC as most of the audience died laughing...

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and putit in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Santa Singh is selected to play for the Indian cricket team as an opening batsman. He opens the batting against West Indies. He is asked to face the very first over (with one Sunil Gavaskar as the non-striker!) from Marshall who is bowling at his fiercest...

First ball : Whizzes past santa's off-stump. Santa doesn't move an inch. Ball goes to wicket-keeper. Second ball : Goes right over the santa's bat and just over the middle stump, somehow missing both the bat and the stumps. Santa is again unmoved.

Third ball : Is a bouncer. Almost decapitates the santa, missing his head by a fraction of an inch. Ball goes to wicket-keeper. Santa doesn't move a muscle.

Fourth ball : Outside the leg-stump.Santa again doesn't move, and the ball shoots past him to the wicket-keeper. But this time, the umpire shouts "No Ball!"

Santawalks up to the umpire and tells him, "So you discovered it now!You see, I know from the very beginning that the guy has no ball in his hand!"

A sardar is traveling via train. On his way, he feels the urge to go to the bathroom. So he goes and opens the bathroom door, which happens to have a mirror in the front. The sardar thinks there is another sardar bhaiwaal in there, quickly shuts the door and returns to his seat. 5 minutes later he goes again, only to find the same sardar bhaiwaal. An hour passes away, he's made 20 trips to the bathroom, only to find that the same person is still there. So he finally gets ticked off, goes to the last compartment and tells the TC (Ticket Checker) what's been going on. The TC, which also happens to be a sardar, feels bad for him and promises to throw the bum out. The TC walks down to the compartment with the troubled bathroom to get the resident bhaiwaal out. Few minutes later the TC comes back and tell the sardar "I'm sorry, I can't do anything. The guy in there is a railway staff member".



Don't Judge Too Quickly... We Won't. - video powered by Metacafe

Cool Quotes

Thursday, July 24, 2008 | 0 comments |

"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often."

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.


Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.


If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?


I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.


Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge


Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.


"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back."


My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

1.LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have
left will start to move faster than the one you are in
now.

2.LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you
never get an engaged one.

3.LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become
coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

4.LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll
to the least accessible corner.

5.LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late
for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning
you will have a flat tyre.

6.BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the
telephone rings.

7.LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone
you know increases when you are with someone you don't
want to be seen with.

8.LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to your boss
that a machine won't work, it will!

9.LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is
inversely proportional to the reach

10.LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of
hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last
until the coffee is cold.

Videos - Dumbest cop Ever

Thursday, July 24, 2008 | 0 comments |

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

--------------------

A blonde was taking the tour of a national park not long ago. The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils had been found in the area.

The blonde exclaimed, "Wow! I can't believe the dinosaurs would come this close to the highway!"

--------------------

While waiting at a cross walk for the light to change, a blonde asked why the signal was buzzing.
When she was told that it was to let blind people know when the light was red, she replied, "What in the world are blind people doing driving?"

--------------------

Did you hear about the blonde who called the county to have the Deer Crossing sign removed from her road? It seems that too many deer were being hit by cars.

--------------------

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

--------------------

Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

--------------------

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who is the oldest?
The blonde, because she's 18.

--------------------

Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
It was easier to spell.

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Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

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Did you hear about the blonde that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungee cord.

--------------------

How did the blonde get ready for Y2K?
She changed all her y's to k's.

--------------------

How do you drown a blonde?
Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

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What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
"It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

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What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look! Donut seeds!"

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What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champ.

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Why are the Japanese so smart?
No blondes.

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Why did the blonde take 16 friends to the movies?
Under 17 not admitted!

--------------------

Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 and a half days?
It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

--------------------

Why did the blonde secretary cut off her finger?
She wanted to write shorthand.

--------------------

Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
Because it says on the box: "good for up to 20 pounds."

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat- shirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma " And they say blondes are dumb...

--------------------

A blond woman buys a bath, the next day she returnes to the shop claiming it's broken and leaking water, she says every time i fill it up it just empties.

The shop keeper replies have you put the plug in it, she replys "I never knew it was electrical"
--------------------

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"

--------------------

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.

Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.

She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. She asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

A mid-level Blonde executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.

"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."

"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."

"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain? Why on earth is that?"

"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we would have to kill to get an ounce?"







1. Your houseplants are alive and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM!

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

A beautiful young woman marries this seventy year old bloke for his money. On their wedding night she joyfully jumps into bed and he holds up five fingers."Oh darling!" she squeals with delight, Does that mean five times?"No", says the old fellow, "itmeans that you can pick one out."


A businessman was confined to the for treatment of a minor malady.For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on. He order his nurses around as if they were his employees.

One morning the head nurse entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I am sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can`t use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing.

After almost an half an hour, the man`s doctor came into the room. "What`s going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What`s the matter, Doctor? Haven`t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

"Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a rose!"

When authorities urged people to protect their valueables, look what a Blonde did....


This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!

70 ways to make a woman happy: No. 1 is shopping & the rest is '69'.

We had a girl to stay; her name was vagina. We called her Virgin for short, but not for long.

Father in Church: An hour's pleasure is not worth a lifetime of disgrace. Any questions?

Someone yelled: Tell me how do you make it last an hour ?

What is the similarity between doing sex & doing surgery?

Skill is more important than the instrument...

What is Female Viagra
Jewellery.

A old woman calls the Police department and says: I have a Sex Maniac in my apartment. Pick him up in the morning!










A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it!

The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said,
"I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.

I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

Superman was flying over a nude beach when he noticed Wonder Woman sunbathing.
Being faster than a speeding bullet he decides that he can screw her quick
Without her knowing. So he swoops down does his business. Wonder Woman jumps up
and says "what the hell was that?", the Invisible man replies "I don't know but
my ass sure hurts."


A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk?

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the
crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and
leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.
Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays,
and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't
know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him
and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars,would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "O my god! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

A young couple was married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule.

So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This went on for months never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the docto to get a flu shot.

The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, "I'm going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I don't think the antibiotics will find me there."

A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don't think they'll find me there."

The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm goanna be on it!"

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a

hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the
difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yup."

"Where did he go?"

"Your house.

A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

"Ten pounds," he replies.

"We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator.

About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”

The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!

That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds."

"We’ll send someone over."

The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!

That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!"

"Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot."

The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!"

About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”


a woman walks into a supermarket, and notices a male customer whose zipper is
undone. The woman kindly says" excuse me sir,but your barracks doors are open".

Not having a clue what the woman was talking about he continued shopping. A few
moments later another customer approached the man and explained that his zipper
was undone. The man zipped up and continued his shopping. At the checkout he ran
into the woman who originally informed him of his zipper.He decides to play into
her unusual comment; "excuse me maam, when you noticed my barracks door was
open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at full attention?" The woman
responded by saying " no, all i saw was a disabled vet sitting on two duffle
bags"

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons,
where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy.
Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,” Wow, he's a lucky one.
Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top
button...A-bomb.”

The third man married a school teacher.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty
but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected
only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two
would call much later in the day.

At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The
nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's
pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.

The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night
was her nagging voice saying, “You’re not sanitary, and you’re not sanitary."

At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.

The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast
as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back
in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as
their voices."

The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I
heard last night was her nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes are up, your
three minutes are up."

Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teacher’s husband would be
calling any minute.

Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couple’s room. The
man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only
his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and
legs.

Joe fearing the worst asked “What happened to you? Did you have a
fight?"

The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry
a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We
are going to do this over and over, until we get right."

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which
said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to
remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to
religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign
down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an
easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which
now read:

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first
Blonde, Judy, planned the robbery and went over the plan with the second
blonde, Buffy, in great detail.

The robbery began. Judy drove up in front of the bank,
Stopped the car and said to Buffy, "I want to make
Absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of
the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you
Understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," replied Buffy.

Buffy went in the bank while Judy waited in the getaway
Car. One minute passed...three minutes pass...seven
Minutes pass... and Judy was really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here came Buffy.She had a safe wrapped
up in rope and is dragging it to the car.

About the time she got the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst
open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear
are down around his ankles while he was firing his weapon.

As the gals are getting away, Judy yelled, "You are such a Blonde! I thought
you understood the plan!"

Buffy said, "I did. I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot!" snapped Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said, 'tie up the
GUARD and blow the SAFE!'"

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down  from a plane. Ten
were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get
off because if they didn’t, then the rope would break and everyone would die. No
one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all
of the blondes started Clapping.


A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.

“Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.”

“What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?”

“Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.”

Q. Why is it okay for dumb blonde's to catch cold?
A. They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Q. What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?

A. Divorcee'

Q. Why can't a blonde get a drivers license?

A. Because every time the instructor says "Let's
park" she jumps in the back seat.

Q. What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

A. Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Q. Why don't blondes eat Jello?


A. They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

Q. What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?

A. A blonde going through a flashing red light.


Q. Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A. Because she blows the horn!

Q. Why is a blonde like a door knob?

A. Because everybody gets a turn.


Q. Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?

A. Because she's been laid all over the country.


Q. Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?

A. She kept having affairs with men!

Q. What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?


A. She picks up her purse and goes home.

Q. To a blonde, what is long and hard?

A. Grade 4.

Q. What is the definition of gross ignorance?

A. 144 blondes.

Q. Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?

A. Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Q. What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?

A. A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

Q. What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?

A. A blonde parade.

Q. What did the blonde do when she heard that

90% of accidents occur around the home?
A. She moved.


Q. A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."


Q. What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?

A. Locking the car door.


Q. Why did the dum blond keep failing her driver's test?

A. Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.


Q. Did you hear about the funny blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?


A. She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

A woman was staying at a hotel and she decided to go sunbathing on the
hotel roof. When she laid down to sun her back, her bikini top fell
off. She didn't care so much, though, because nobody ever came up to
the roof anyway. Which is why she was surprised when she heard
footsteps. It was the maitre'd from the restaurant.

"Ma'am," he said, "we were all wondering if you could put your top back on."

"Why? I'm not disturbing anybody."

"Ma'am. You're on the skylight." 3

Funny jokes - My ball

Thursday, July 17, 2008 | 0 comments |

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.

''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''

''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''

''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''

A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead. The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it. She then sits down in the chair and farts.
"Now," she says, "which hole did the fart come out of?"

"That's easy," says the Devil. "All of them."

"No, stupid! It came out of my butthole!"

Pictures - Two wheel drive

Wednesday, July 16, 2008 | 0 comments |

bottom deodorant

Wednesday, July 16, 2008 | 0 comments |

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"

This lady goes to the doctor for a check up. When she gets home her husband asks, " So how did the appointment go?" She replies, " He said, I have the body of a twenty year old. Her husband says, "Oh yeah. and what did he have to say about your forty year old ass?" She says, "Your name didn't come up."

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. " Young lady," said the doctor, " You're pregnant."

" But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practise sex only with our eyes."

" Well my dear," said the doctor, " Someone in that colony is cockeyed."

..Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

..If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

..Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

..Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

..Please don't drive when you're not driving.

..Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

..The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

..When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson.

"I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A"

All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said "apple".

"Very good", said the teacher, "now B".

Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said "ball".

This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to "R". Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.

The teacher thought and thought and couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R". So she picked Johnny.

Johnny stands up and says: "R...Rat...a big, fat, fuckin' Rat!"

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''

''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''

''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"

A ship was sunk in the pacific ocean. there were only 3 survivors, a doctor, a priest and a lawyer. they managed to make it to the life boat but the oars weren't there. as they began searching the waters surrounding them they noticed a great number of shark fins circling the dislodged oars. they sat there for a while debating on who was to swim for the oars. the doctor replied, "i certainly can't. if the person gong for the oars is attacked, i'll be needed to give them medical attention". the priest exclaimed, "well i certainly can't go as if the person going for the oars dies, i'll be needed to give last rights". the two turned to the lawyer, who just jumped out of the boat and started swimming to the oars. as the lawyer neared, the sharks swam away, the lawyer grabbed the oars and returned to the life boat. as he climbed aboard, the sharks returned. the doctor and priest looked on him with awe. the lawyer shrugged and said, "professional courtesy"

Santa falls in luv with a nurse… After much thinking, he finally
writes a love letter to her: “I luv u sister.”


Santa phoned his wife: I am not coming home. The stearing, dash board, gears of car have been stolen.
After sometime he calls again: I am coming, earlier I sat on the back seat.


Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write against mother
tongue.?
Santa: Very long!


Santa: Mom, last night when I opened the toilet door, the light went on itself.
Mother: Idiot, you again peed in the refrigerator!


While walking in the highlands Santa fell down a deep hole.
Banta: R u ok?
Santa: Yeah!
Banta: Did u break anything?
Santa: No, there's nothing down here.


Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge: What’ll you take 30 days or Rs 3000.
Santa: I think I’ll take the money.


Q: How do you recognize Santa’s son, Pappu, in School?
A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the
board.


A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"

POOF! He gets his Pepsi and drinks it.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.

"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."

POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish:

"I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF! He's back in his government office

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn''t all that bad this time.Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don''t want to miss the four o''clock ball game.

******************

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

******************

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don''t worry it will take just five minutes.Patient: And how much will it cost?Dentist: It''s $90.00. Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

******************

"I came in to make an appointment with the dentist." said the man to the receptionist."I''m sorry sir." she replied. "He is out right now, but...""Thank you," interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient. "When will he be out again ?"

*********************

A husband and wife entered the dentist''s office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don''t want gas or Novocain because I''m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.""You''re a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."