Welcome to the chutkule and if you enjoyed being at the blog. Please bookmark us and visit daily for new jokes.

Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates. Ahead of
him is a guy, nattily dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather
jacket & jeans.

God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to
admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?

The guy replies: I am Johhny J., taxi driver from New York!

God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Johhny J.: Please take this
silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming
voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for
the last 40 years.

God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe
& enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed,
rash driving Taxi Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a
Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to
make do with a Cotton robe?'

'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.

'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his taxi, people
PRAYED.' :)

A man suspected his wife of cheating on him, so he hired a famous Chinese detective Dr. Yogosaki Hiroshima. He told him to keep an eye on his wife and see what she does the whole week and report back to him. A week later the man receives this report from the Chinese detective:

You leave house.

He come house.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she get off train.

I follow.

He and she go into hotel.

I climb tree, look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

Fall out of tree.

No see.

No fee.

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!'

'What a coincidence!' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me so I'm celebrating!'

'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer as they clinked glasses, then asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying for many years to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' says the man, 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens have been infertile, but today they're finally laying eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence!'

These new beer bottle holders are now available in the in the market.I am sure you really need one.

To all the wonderful grandparents out there,

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bedtime and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

They are the best thing god created for small children.

Thank you God


A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years,
when one day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time.
How long has itbeen since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suitand gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit
and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit):
"So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"

Links - Thanks

Saturday, September 27, 2008 | View Comments

I just thought i must thank each everybody in every corner of this world who has supported me by visiting the chutkule , therefore through the chutkule i would like to say that thank you all. And of course some of my net friends whom i don't know personally but they accepted me when i was new to blogging world.My Special thanks to:

1 joke a day

All celebs 4U

Beautiful Places

Celebrity dirty Laundry

Celebrity Fashion

Comedy Plus

Cooling Star

Fun Jokes Daily

Distortrait

Fun Pages

Funny Pictures

Hyderabadiz

Joke Mail

Lame Jokes

Now That's Humor

The Purple Turkey

I am really overwhelmed with your support,please continue the same in future.

After making a trip of South India , Santa Singh ,his wife and his son were returning to punjab in Tamilnadu Express. Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed. When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand hindi had occupied his son's birth . Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English. Santa Singh explained , " That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."

10. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only because
they haven’t had sex yet.
9. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs, and etc. School just sucks.
8. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking a whole
hell of a lot stronger.
7. You only get disciplined during sex if you want to.
6. Drinking drives people to sex, where as school drives people to drink.
5. Sex relieves stress. School is the cause of most stress.
4. Nothing beats the ’’HANDS ON" experience you get with sex.
3. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.
2. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, is is still cheaper than paying
thousands of dollars in tuition.

And the Number 1 reason why sex is better that school is:

1. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers
screw you regardless.

Johnny went to the drugstore for some condoms. He walked up to the druggist and asked, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?" The druggist asked, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?"
"Sure do," replied Johnny, "they keep you from getting venereal diseases." "O.K." said the druggist, "do you know what the ribs are for??" Johnny thought for a minute, then looked up at the druggist
and replied, "Well, not exactly, but they sure do make the hair on my goat’s back stand up."




Blonde Jokes - Painter

Thursday, September 25, 2008 | 0 comments |

A man went into the office kitchen one morning and found a beautiful blond woman painting the walls. She was wearing a fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a bit strange, he asked her why she was wearing such nice clothes rather than overalls.

The blonde simply sighed and showed him the instructions on the tin, “For best results, put on two coats.”

Videos - College Humor

Thursday, September 25, 2008 | View Comments

Funny Jokes - Business trip

Thursday, September 25, 2008 | 0 comments |

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat, and a wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.

Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?”


The woman turns, smiles and says, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.”

The man swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she says. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really,” he says. “What myths are those?”

“Well,” she explains, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it’s men of Jewish decent.”

Suddenly, the women becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I'm sorry,” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!”

“Tonto” the man says as he extends his hand. “Tonto Goldstein.”

Cartoons - Test For Blondes

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 | , 0 comments |

Santa and Jeeto were preparing wedding cards for their son at the printers.

Jeeto was not very good at English so she asked the printer to help
her. After the printer had presented her with a draft, she quickly
pointed out that the "RSVP " was missing .

The printer was surprised by Jeeto's knowledge and asked her if she knew what it meant.

Jeeto started to think and after much thought he replied, "Vait! I
remember! I remember! RSVP!! It means "Remember, Send Vedding Present!"

Cartoons - OMG

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 | 0 comments |


Adult jokes - bags

Tuesday, September 23, 2008 | 0 comments |

There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I cant get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags... those are your tits!"
All she had to say was, "Now that would explain why I have this goatee."

Videos - Axe Effect - Be careful

Tuesday, September 23, 2008 | 0 comments |

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

Pictures - Sexy pole dance

Monday, September 22, 2008 | 0 comments |






Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed...


The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered,

"I don't know - I thought you were watching."

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

Jokes - envelopes

Friday, September 19, 2008 | , View Comments

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing.

On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all.

He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems.

The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!"

This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says, "Prepare three envelopes"

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a party and his host, Banta, naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Banta asked "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

Banta thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!"

Silence fell upon the congregation. In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"

Funny Pictures - I am flying

Wednesday, September 17, 2008 | View Comments


Oh god help me i am flying

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, and the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

Funny pictures - Vigara

Tuesday, September 16, 2008 | View Comments


Satisfaction Guaranteed

A woman is watching the news on TV and they are reporting live from a helicopter about a man driving down the highway going the wrong way. All the other cars are swerving all over the place trying to avoid hitting this guy.

She calls her husband to warn him as he knows that he travels on that highway at this time.

She says to him, "There's this crazy driver on the highway going the wrong direction."

He replies emphatically, "Just one, hell there's a whole bunch of them going the wrong way."

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on Little Mona, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Mona," replied the teacher. She then called on Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny...

Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just f*%@# beautiful!"



With this you are guaranteed to for pleasure ride always.

A woman goes to her doctor and says that she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret, as she is embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry," he says. "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."

"Who is the third rose from?" asked the woman.

"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"


Car companies are working on every possible way to make your last journey happy .

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to ep.
sle
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you use to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going ?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"





You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

*************

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

*************

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'

*************

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

******************

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

**************

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

**************

Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'

*******************

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

*******************
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

*****************
'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'

video




A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.” The doctor continued, “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.” On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?” To which his wife responded, “He said you’re going to die.”

An 8 year old girl goes to her dad who is working in the yard and asks, "Daddy, what's sex"? The father is surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He tells her about the birds and the bees; the egg and the sperm; and the male and female. When he has finished explaining, the little girl is looking at him with her mouth opened, so the father asks her, "why did you ask this question"? The little girl explains that "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs".


Funny - Funny Videos

Funny Pictures - Sexy car

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 | View Comments

Pictures - Sexy

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 | View Comments

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!

Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
They're too hard to retrain.

What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle?
A dope ring.

Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.

What's the definition of eternity?
4 blondes at a 4-way stop

What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
An air pocket.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
"This goes in front"

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The 1st blonde said,"These look like deer tracks,"and the other one said , " No,they look like moose tracks". They argued until the train hit them.

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door to their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door opened,but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped to catch her breath,and her friend said anxiously,"Hurry up! Its starting to rain and the top's down!

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture!

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday

Funny Jokes - Couples at ZOO

Tuesday, September 09, 2008 View Comments

It's a beautiful spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.
She's got on a close-fitting, lowcut, pink summer dress with spaghetti straps.
As they walk thru the ape exhibit, and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, he grunts, he pounds his chest.
He is obviously excited at the sight of the young lady in the sundress.
The husband, noticing the apes excitement, suggests that his wife tease the ape.

The husband suggests that she pucker her lips and wiggle her bottom.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then her husband suggests that she let one of the straps of her dress slips down.
She does and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear down the bars.

Her husband suggests she lift her dress up her thighs and she does.
This about drives Mr. Gorilla crazy.
Then quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her inside with the gorilla, slams the door shut and gleefully rubbing his hands together says:

"Now, tell him you have a headache."

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.

You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

Videos - Dancing Cop

Saturday, September 06, 2008 | View Comments

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the
balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it
all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a
dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,
etc.on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because
you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in
the ceiling, what I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The following
is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6
times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the
ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had
to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you
because I felt you move.

Videos - Laughing girl

Friday, September 05, 2008 | View Comments

WHY EMAIL ARE LIKE A PENIS....

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy,"

6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY EMAIL IS LIKE A PENIS...

1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind.


Munna bhai: agar bina daton ka kuta kate to kya karna chahiye?
Circuit: simple hai na bhai , bina sui ke injection lena chahiye.

************ ********* **

Bikhari: 50 paise de de maine 3 din se khana nahin khaya hai.
Kanjoos: 10 rupaye dunga, pahele ye bata 50 paise mein khana kahan milta hai.
************ ********* *******

Santa: Yaar bachpan mein 20 male se gir gaya tha.
Banta: to fir bach gaya ya mar gaya?
Santa: yaad nahin hai bahut purani baat hai.
************ ********* ****

Boy: mom, aaj mera dost ghar aa raha hai….ghar ke sab khilone chhupa de.
Mom: tera dost chor hai kya?
Boy: nahin, woh apne khilone pahechan lega.
************ *********

In aptitude test…River Kaveri is in which state?
Sardar: liquid state.
************ ********* ****

INTERVIEW : Imagine, in a closed room, how can you escape if it caught fire?
Sardar: Simple, stop imagining.
************ ********* *******

Sardar 100 watt bulb par baap ka naam likh raha tha.
Baap ne puchha ‘kya kar rahe ho?’
Sardar : baap ka naam roshan kar raha hoon.

************ ********* *****

PAPAD aur JAPAD mein kya farak hai.
Khake dekho pata chal jayega.
************ ********* ******

Sardar: in my dreams rats play football every night.
DR: take this tablet you will be ok.
Sardar: Can I take tommorrow, tonight is final game.

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.

"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?" "Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"

Pictures - Out of service

Wednesday, September 03, 2008 | View Comments

Why did God give men penises?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
Its Braille for "suck here".

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
Lipstick.

Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.

What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
You come in one and go in the other.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Money.

Why did the army send so many women with pms to the Persian Gulf?
They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job will still suck.

What's the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of silence.

Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."