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TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the
balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it
all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a
dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,
etc.on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because
you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in
the ceiling, what I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.