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A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for. "Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box". Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?" "Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them."

A young couple is traveling across the country in their covered wagon. They come across a small town and decide to stop for the night. Not long after their arrival, the husband meets the sheriff and strikes up a conversation with the law enforcer. The sheriff informs the man that it is against the law to speak of, or even use the word "sex". The husband discusses this situation with his wife and they decide they will refer to sex as "doing the laundry" when the urge strikes. Later that night, while lying in bed, the husband rolls over and says "honey, I think it is time to do the laundry", to which the wife replies "no, I'm tired". Thirty minutes later, the husband rolls over and makes a second attempt: "honey, I think we should really do the laundry now". The wife replies a firm, "no, the laundry will have to wait". Two hours pass and the wife finally rolls over and whispers, "honey, we can do the laundry now". The husband looks back at her and replies, "sorry dear, it was a small load... I did it by hand".

There was this lady siting in a park by a lake. She had no arms and no legs. A jogger comes by and see the lady crying and says "why are you crying", and the woman says "cause I have no arms or legs and I have never been hugged before." So the jogger feels sorry for her and hugs her. Another jogger comes by and sees the lady crying and asks "why are you crying" and the lady says "cause I have no arms or legs and I have never been kissed before", the jogger feels sorry for her and kisses her. Another jogger comes by and see the lady crying and asks "why are you crying" and the lady says "cause I have no arms or legs and I have never been fucked before." So the jogger picks the lady up, throws her in the lake and says "you're fucked now........"

an Irishman goes into a bar and orders 6 shots of Whiskey. The bartender lines them all up in front of the drunk right on the bar before him. The Irish man immediately grabs the first shot and the last shot, and throws them on the ground. The bartender yells, "Hey, what was that all about? You said 6 shots!" The Irish man replies, " Yeah, I know, but the first one always taste like crap and the last one always gives me a headache"

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.. well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up"

An Arabian was interviewed at the US Embassy for a U.S.A. Visa.

Consul : What is your name?
Arab : Abdul Aziz

Consul : Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week

Consul : I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels

Consul : Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

Consul : Man,…isn’t it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul : Oh…dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!

In a recovery room a man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery.

His wife was sitting by his side holding his hand. His eyelids just opened for a few seconds.
He looked at his wife as if he was returning from out of body experience, hallowed by bright white light. With a broken smile and in a groggy voice he mumbled at his wife, "You are so beautiful."

Then he fell asleep and started snoring again waking up other recovering room surgery patients and annoying nurses.”

His wife had never seen him so ugly and yet so romantic. So she suppressed all her disgust of environment, held his hand tighter and chose to stuck there for a while.

After a while the man opens his eyelids again but wider and for longer time. He loves the comfort of his wife and says, "You are cute!"

The wife was disgusted, threw his hand on the bed and demanded an explanation, “It was ‘beautiful’, last time and how it is 'cute' this time. What happened to my beauty?”

The man answered, “Honey, I am recovering to reality from the influence of Anesthesia.”

Test for All Men:
Tell me the color of the ball by watching the clip once.

A beautiful but aging woman goes into a bar filled with photos of famous boxers. A man sits down next to her and says, "Hey, this is supposed to be a bar for boxing fans."

"Are you kidding? I'm the biggest boxing fan in the world."

"You are?" says the man, happy to find a woman who shares his interests. "Why, I'm such a big boxing fan," she continues, that I have a tattoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh and a tattoo of Evander Holyfeld on the other. Wanna see them?"

"Sure," says the man, downing his scotch.

The woman hikes up her skirt, spreads her legs, and grabs the man's head and shoves it down there. "Can you see Iron Mike? Can you see Evander?" she asks.

The man comes up for air and say, "Yeah, I saw them both, but you didn't say you had Don King in the middle."

A Sardar, a Japanese and a Britisher were lost in the desert. They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down. Because they had nothing else, they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they continued their journey.

The Japanese took the radiator, the Britisher took the seat, and our Sardar took the door.

After a while of walking the Britisher asked the Japanese "I'm confused, why did you bring the radiator?"
The Japanese responded, "If I get thirsty, I can drink the fluid."

Next our Pappaji asked the Britisher "Why did you bring the seat?"
So the Britisher said "If I get tired,I am not going to sit on the sand. I can sit on this comfortable seat."

Finally the Japanese asked our Hero why he had chosen the door.
The Sardar quickly responded to this question, "Well, when it gets hot all I have to do is roll down the window."

Videos - Ring Ceremony

Friday, October 17, 2008 | View Comments

Teacher: Santa Pandavoon kay naam batao ?


Ik Bhim "C"

Ik odda vada Pra "C"

Ik nikka Pra "C"

Ik hor "C"

Ik da may namm pull gaya "C"

Banta called his friend, Santa, and told him that he recently met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

Santa said, "Send her some flowers, and on the card invite her for a home-cooked meal."

Banta liked the idea, so he invited the woman.

The day after the meal Santa calls Banta and asks about the meal.

Banta, "It was a flop idea."

Santa, "Didn't the girl come to your house?"

Banta, "She did, but she refused to cook!"

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?"
She replied, "In the lake."

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.

He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny, he noticed Johnny's hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

"Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."

Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."

Sarder went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to SARDARs," he replied.
He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied.
"Damn, he recognized me," he thought. he went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.
Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Sarder?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

With the help of a fertility specialist Doctor, a 65 year old woman gave birth to a baby girl. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they asked her to show the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."
A little later they asked to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they said, "Ok. When you are going to show the baby?"
The old mother says, "Let the baby cry first."
They were surprised, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I kept the baby."

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"

"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.

The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."

The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?"

"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."

A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis.

The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."

She replied, "What other way?"

Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. They were planning for free Punjab.
Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh.. we'll get Punjab from India but how would we develop it?"

That was a difficult question indeed. Suddenly Banta Singh replied, "No problem! we'll attack USA, it would take over us and then we would be a state of USA and we'll automatically get developed."

All the surds became happy on this very simple solution but an old surd did not utter a single word. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy.


75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.

On their first night both were crying - Why?

Reason - Because she didn't know anything,

and he had forgotten everything..!


Doctor to Lady: U r looking so weak and exhausted ! Are U properly taking 3 meals a day as I had advised ?
Lady: Oh my God ! I heard 3 Males per day !


Mother to her teenage

daughter: I think its right

time, we hsould talk about sex.

Daughter: "Sure mom, What do

u want to know?"


My girlfriend told me, I should be more Affectionate, so I got two Girlfriends.

In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about materials; So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"

Little Rosy raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Tina.

Little Tina said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"

A Sarder goes into a store and sees a shiny object.
He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos flask."
The Sarder then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."
The Sarder says, "I'll take it!"
The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos.
His Sarder boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?"
He said, "It's a thermos flask."
The boss then says, "What does it do?"
He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
The Sarder replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."

Fred himself unable to satisfy his blonde wife. He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn't able to do the job. He finally went to his best friend and asked for advice. His friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was 100% successful.

He says, "Hire a big strong guy to stand near your bed and waving a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex. This way your wife will be stimulated and have an orgasm."

The guy hired the strong man, but all efforts were in vain. He went back to his friend and told him what happened. So his friend suggested that they switch places.

"Why don't you wave the towel while the strong man does the job in bed," says the friend. Poor Fred agreed, and said that he would do anything to satisfy his wife. He hired the same guy again and this time they traded positions.
Naturally, the blonde had a divine orgasm.

The husband leaned over to the strong guy and said, "You see!! That's how you wave the towel!"

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.

For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."

1) Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, Forgot laughter were called "Saints", But now they are called.. "IT professionals"

2) An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt : "If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off"

3) Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love..
Love is always present.. Its just that,
One loves too much, And the other loves too many,

4) Employee: Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary..!
BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..!

5) Philosophy of life At the beginning of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD,
Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!

6) What is a Fear?
Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomach
When pages of your book still smell new and Just few hours left for your exams..!

7) Useful
Someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wise man cannot answer"
No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..!

8) Girl: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?
Shopkeeper: Oh sure..@! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved.!"
Girl: That's good, Give me 12 of them..!

9) After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: " WE do have an... opening for you..! "
Applicant: What is it?
Interviewer: Its called the "door..!"

10) A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..
Drive Slowly, Don't kill our Employee..... Leave them to us.

Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:

"I have great news, I 'm a month overdue. I think we are going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from BSES (Bombay Suburban Electricity Supply) because the electricity bill has not been paid.

Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma ?

Yes...... speaking

BSES guy, "You! re a month overdue, you know!"
How do YOU know? stammers the young woman.

Well, maam, its in our files! says the BSES guy .

What are you saying? Its in your files ..... HOW?

Yes, We have a system of finding out whos overdue

GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.

Madam, I am sorry...... I am following order, I have to inform you are overdue I know that let me talk to my husband about this tonight, he will speak to your company tomorrow

That night, she tells her! husband about the visit, and he mad as a bull, rushes to BSES office the next day morning.

Whats going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours? the husband shouts.

Just calm down, says the lady at the reception at BSES, its nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.

PAY you? and if I refuse?

Well, in that case, sir, we have no option but to cut yours off.

And what would my wife do then? the husband asks.

I dont know. I guess ! she would have to use a candle!!!

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills,and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, agreed to have some naughty fun and took the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

A couple were in their bed ready to make love when their four year old son walked in an asked Daddy can I ride on your back, The Dad said no, when the wife told her husband it's OK honey he doesn't know whats going on, so he agreed. As they got in to the throws of passion and the wife started moaning and breathing heavy the little boy said, Daddy you better hold on yesterday when she did that me and the Milkman both almost hit the floor.

A man and his camel were lost in the desert for months. The man got really horny and decided, what the hell, a camel is better than nothing.

He put the camel in position, climbed behind the camel, and just as he was about to enter the camel, it ran off. He chased the camel down and tried again, but it ran away again.

He tried this five more times before he came across a beautiful woman lying in the desert. She was dehydrated and close to death. He took the woman to a oasis and revived her.

The grateful woman wakes up and says to the man, "Thank you for saving my life. I will do anything for you."

The man smiles and replies, "Anything? Really?"

"Yes," the woman says, "Anything."

"Well," the man says. "Will you hold my camel for me so he stops running away?"

Jokes - Fishing

Thursday, October 09, 2008 | , View Comments

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week."

"This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

I did, they're in your tackle box.

Jokes - Doctor prescription

Wednesday, October 08, 2008 | View Comments

One man went to consult as he is very thin and doesn't grow well after having enough food, after diagnosis doctor said there is a worm inside his stomach it eats everything you eat and the man asked for the treatment. Doctor prescribed the treatment "From tomorrow onwards when you come to see myself come with a banana and an apple".

The net day he came with a banana and an apple. Doctor told him to eat the banana and insert the apple through his back hole. After one month treatment there is no change except size of the back hole increased so that the apple can be thrown through the hole freely. He told the doctor " Doctor there is no change in my physical condition after one month of treatment " Doctor told him "when you come tomorrow come with a banana and a hammer instead of apple". The next day he came with banana and the hammer. Doctor let the man to eat the banana first and wait for a five minutes while the worm come out from his stomach and told the ill fated patient "You idiot trying to change my diet , where is my apple??" At the very moment the doctor thrashed the worm with the hammer and the insect dead.

Sardar Santa singh went for his usual morning walk. At one junction he found a crowd. One man holding a syringe on one hand and the famous actress on the other hand. He threatens to inject the liquid which contain AIDS virus

in to her body unless he is given a ransom of 10 corers of Rupees . Police men are helplessly watching. At this moment Santa rushed to the man and has a fight, he dropped the syringe, Police men arrested him. On the next day a ceremony is conducted to reward santa. The chief guest CM of punjab while giving away the reward asked to the santa " We are proud of you How did you show that much of courage even if you are aware of AIDS ?" santa said "Sir I always wear a condom to avoid AIDS"

Then there was the 85 year old woman who found her husband in bed with another woman. She was so enraged that she dragged him to the balcony of their high-rise apartment and pushed him to his death.

When she appeared in court, the judge asked if she had anything to say in her own defence.
"Well Your Honour," she replied, "I figured if at 92 he he could make love, he could fly too."

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge.

The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me,"

The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

A traveling salesman was out in the country one evening and wasn't sure how to get back to the main highway. He came upon a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

"Sure," said the farmer. "I've got some beans and cornbread on the stove, but I've only got one bed, so you'll have to sleep with me."

The salesman was very grateful. So they had dinner and went to bed early. The salesman was used to keeping late hours and couldn't get to sleep. His tossing and turning was keeping the farmer awake so the farmer finally suggested they play football. The salesman didn't understand.

"Here's how it works," said the farmer. "Every time you fart, it's a touchdown." The salesman thought it sounded fun, and they started playing. The salesman took an immediate lead, with the farmer struggling to squeeze even one out. Finally he felt one coming on and he strained and grunted and strained and grunted...and let a big wet one rip all over his side of the bed.

"What'll we do now?" exclaimed the salesman.

"Halftime. Switch sides."

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that
you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore,
after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly
interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with

my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please
don't be upset I shall be home Before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following
letter On the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about
my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity
to remind you that you are also 54 years old.

As you know, I am a math teacher at our localCollege.I would like
to inform you that while you read this,
I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students,
who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, Virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge
of math, you will understand that we are in the

Same situation, although with one small difference - 18
goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore,
I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Management said, "Someone might steal from it at
night." So they created a night watchman position
and hired a person for the job.

Then management said, "How does the watchman do his
job without instruction?" So they created a planning
department and hired two people; one person to write the
instructions and one person to do time studies.

Then management said, "How will we know the night
watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created
a Quality Control department and hired two people. One
to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then management said, "How are these people going
to get paid?" So they created the following positions,
a timekeeper and a payroll officer; then hired two more

Then management said, "Who will be accountable for
all of these people?" So they created an administrative
section and hired three people; an Administrative Officer,
Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then management said, "We've had this command
in operation for one year now and we're $18, 000 over
budget. We have to cutback on overall costs."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my

anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."


1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."

5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates it can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget...he didn't lose your number...he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you...I want to marry you...I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

50. All men would still really like to own a train set.

What women say...                                     ...What they mean...

Can't we just be friends? There is no way in hell I am going
to let any part of your body touch
any part of mine, again.

I just need some space ...without you in it

Can you help me with my homework? If I keep whining, the fool will do
it for me.

Do I look fat in this dress? We haven't had a fight in a while

No, pizza's fine Cheap bastard

I just do not want a boyfriend now I just do not want (you as a) boy-
friend now

I don't know; what do you want to I can't believe that you have
do? nothing planned

Come here My puppy does this too

I like you but... I don't like you

You never listen You never listen

We're moving too quickly I am not going to sleep with you
until I find out if this guy in Bio
has a girlfriend

I'll be ready in a minute I AM ready, but I am going to make
you wait because I know you will.

Oh, no, I will pay for myself I am just being nice; there is no
way I am going dutch

Oh Yes! Right there Well, near there; I just want to get
this over with

I'm just going out with the girls We are gonna get sloppy and make
fun of you and your freinds

There's no one else I am doing your brother

Size doesn't count... unless I want an orgasm

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's
face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However,
the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to
come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about
where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their
secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded
at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome
with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything
you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling, " he replied, "think nothing
of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek!"

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. ''Hello there,'' says the man, ''and what is your name?''

''Hello,'' giggles the woman, ''I'm Stacey. What's yours?''

''I'm Jim.''

''Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??''

''Sure!'' replies Jim, ''Let's go!''

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. ''Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk,'' Jim says.

''Yes? And what about it?'' asks Stacey.

''Is it your brother?''

''No, it isn't, Jim!'' Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.

When he finally asks, ''Is it your husband?''

Stacey giggles even more, ''No, silly!'' Jim was relieved.

''Then, it must be your boyfriend!''

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, ''No, silly!!''

''Then, who is it?'' Jim asks.

Stacey replies, ''That's me BEFORE my operation!!''

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a
large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.
After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators
in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs
to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of
this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes
for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories
the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.
At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will
tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

Adult jokes - Confused

Wednesday, October 01, 2008 | View Comments

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."