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Santa on a blind date with a gori.

Santa: Do you object 2 sex?

Gori: That’s something I have never done.

Santa: What! U r a Virgin?

Gori: No, Never Objected!


On 1st night Santa uses all his power to push it in. Fails but proudly says: Too tight! But I'm happy I'm the 1st.

Bride: No ji. Others removed the panty 1st.


Obscene phone caller: Hello baby, if you can guess what's in my hand I'll let you have it.

Preeto: Listen ji, if you can hold it in one hand I'm not interested.


Banta Complaining: U r so unresponsive, do u use cold cream between your legs?

Preeto Taunting: U must be using vanishing cream between yours.


Santa after interview: Everything went fine till the time he asked me for my testimonials. I guess I showed him the wrong thing!

Adult jokes - Confusion

Wednesday, December 31, 2008 | , 0 comments |

On the same day, the Pope and Bill Clinton died. There was a major screw up. By accident, Bill Clinton was sent to heaven, while the Pope was sent to hell.


The Pope: Excuse me Satan, there must be a great deal of confusion. I have lived my life as a servant of the Lord. There must be a slight misunderstanding. I should be in heaven with God.

Satan: I can't believe they messed up again. There's no way you belong here. I'll contact heaven, but it's going to take 24 hours before we can fix it.

The Pope: Worry not, my son.

24 hours later:

Satan: Once again, we're sorry. You can leave now. Just make sure you tell Clinton to come here.

The Pope: Sure thing.

On the way to heaven, the Pope meets up with Clinton, half-way.

The Pope: There was a mix up. You have to meet with your destiny. I, being highly religious, would take the fall for you. But my final dream is to meet the Virgin Mary.

Bill Clinton: Thanks for the sympathy, but you're a day late.

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A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office for a sperm count test. The doctor gave the man a jar, told him to take it home and return the next day with a sample.

The next day, the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave the doctor the jar, which was as clean and empty as on previous day. The doctor asked what happened.

"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then with my left... still nothing. Then, I asked my wife for help. She tried her right hand... but nothing. Then her left... still nothing. She even tried with her month, both with and without her teeth... and still nothing. We even called the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

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Cartoon by Tulal Cartoon by Tulal
Cartoon by Tulal Cartoon by Tulal

Banta Singh happened to be in a queue at a railway
station ticket counter with two men ahead of him.
'Ek Punjab Mail dena.' demanded the man in front.
He was given a ticket. 'Ek Punjab Mail dena.'
The second man asked & was handed a ticket.
Then came the turn of Banta Singh, 'Ek Punjab female dena!'
'What do u mean by Punjab female?' asked the clerk.
'It is for my wife' replied Banta Singh.

Jokes - Chococlate Bar

Sunday, December 28, 2008 | 0 comments |

The little boy was sitting on a park bench munching on one chocolate bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all those chocolates isn't good for you.
It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.' The boy replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 chocolate bars at a time?' The little boy answered, 'No, he minded his own damn business!'

A Bihari went to a cigarette shop and asked for one Wills: Bhai ek Will dena, so the guy selling the cigarettes told him that there is no brand by the
name of Will, it is Wills, but the Bihari insisted and
said I want one Will, so the person told him unless
you say it correctly.
i.e Wills I won't sell it to you, so the Bihari went mad and said "Hum ek hi to maang rahen hain pura packet to nahin maang rahen hain".

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. 
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. 
He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands  and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say he can see good?" 
The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision." 
Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"

Pictures - Dancing Stars

Saturday, December 27, 2008 | 0 comments |


Pictures - Bush farewell

Friday, December 26, 2008 | 0 comments |

Mr. Bush at his farewell very cautious with shoes



Doctor I have come on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated fully within this period.
Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic, see that board.
Man: No, Doctor, I have come to you only
Doctor: But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist. I do not treat human beings.
Man: I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only...
Doctor: I can not, because you speak like me, think like me, talk like me which means you are a human being and not an animal.
Man: I know I am a human but listen to my complaints first:
Doctor: OK. Tell me.
I sleep like dog thinking about my work load whole night.
I get up in the morning like a horse
I go to work running like a deer
I work all the day like a donkey
I run around for 11 months like a bull without any holiday.
I wag my tail in front of all my bosses
I play with my children like a monkey if I get time.
I am like a rabbit before my wife
Doctor: are you a Middle class person?
Man: Yes !!
Doctor: Instead of telling this long history you should have told me in the beginning itself that you are a Middle class person. Come man, no one can treat you better than me.

1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:

Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

2. This is from Oracle Bangalore:
From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.”

3. Another gem from CDAC.
Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.”

4. From H.A.L. Administration dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half
day casual leave"

6. An incident of a leave letter
“I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

9. Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

10. Another one:

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

11. Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

12. Letter writing: -
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

13. A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both (!!) for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

14. One more to add on to laughter

leave application written by an employee to his boss.

"I am suffering from health, fever came to me, leave me today"

Your's Feverly

These are actual ads on a matrimony site. Grammar and spelling errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart!

Disclaimer :We are not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail...

- Hello To Viewers My Name is Sowmya , I am single i  dont have male,  If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all  field in bangalore .. if u like me u welcome to my  heart...  when ever u whant to meet pls visit my resident or  send u letter..
yours Regards Sowmya ~*~
i want very simple boy. from brahmin educated family  from Orissa state  she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework

(Wut Homework?)

I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a  first step of love. I am looking for my dreamboy who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ........  hold my hand forever !!!

(The dilwale dulhaniya effect) 

i am simple girl. I have lot of problemin my life because of my lucknow i am looking one boy he care me and love me lot lot lot

(I don't know why but this is one of my favorites) 

i want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house he should give recpect to  our cast

(By not wearing his jeans? Wat the hell...)


(All of us are loughing {laughing})

whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone groom and he must think of the future life if he is toolike this he would be called the man of the lamp

(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this girl wants?)

i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and I love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok

(I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome") 

i am pranati my family history my two brother two sister and father & mother sister completely married

(Somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely'?)

  iam kanandevi. i do owo businas.one sister.he was marred.

(No comments)

Iam Sharmila my colour is black, but my heart is white. i like social service.


A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!

Something like Cricket where One-Day Internationals are more popular than
Five-Day Tests!

It’s an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her master

Future Tense of Marriage

An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer
to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either

The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present

The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes
he got the biggest piece

The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!

A place where divorce comes before marriage

A place where everybody talks, nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on

A feeling when you feel you are going to feel
a feeling you have never felt before

A book which people praise, but never read

A curve that can set a lot of things straight!

A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life


The only time when some married men ever get to open
their mouth

A sign to make others believe that you know more than
you actually do

Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide
that nothing can be done together

The name men give to their Mistakes

An invention to bring an end to all

A fool who torments himself
during life, to be spoken of when dead

A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward
to the trip

A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls
into a river

A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER
says in midway

A person who says that
O is the last letter in ZERO,
Instead of the first letter

A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH!

A banker provided by nature

A guy no different from the other, unless he gets caught

Someone who is early when you are late and late
when you are early

One who shakes your hand before elections
and your Confidence Later

A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by his bills!

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

The teacher said. "Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

He said "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful,... just fucking beautiful!'"

Adult joke - Car Crash

Thursday, December 25, 2008 | , 0 comments |

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and

passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.


"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"


"What else?"

The monkey motioned "Screwing."

"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.


"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked."


"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

Jokes - Nerds in silicon valley

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 | 0 comments |

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. "You don't even need a license," he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load, so remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "but it's illegal to bait 'em."

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from New Delhi and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Bombay. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the

cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Punjabi girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

One woman stops a taxi.
- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you haven't arrived to the airport yet neither.


Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.

- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.


A little boy asked his mother:

- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don't even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don't bark.

Jokes - Horse Racing

Saturday, December 20, 2008 | 0 comments |

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being told there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that the preacher settled on a donkey instead. The preacher figured, since he bought the animal, he might as well race it. To his great surprise, the donkey did quite well and came in third place. The next day, the racing sheets carried this headline: "Preacher Shows Ass" The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again, and this time the animal won first place. The paper said: "Preacher's Ass Out In Front" The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper printed this headline: "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass" This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to a nun in a local convent. The next day, the headlines read: "Nun Has Best Ass In Town" The Bishop fainted. When he came around, he informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. The nun searched, finally finding a farmer willing to buy the animal for ten dollars. The paper stated: "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks!" They buried the Bishop the next day.

Johnny jokes - Poem

Friday, December 19, 2008 | 0 comments |

A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teacher's pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby . . . if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can and I think I can!"

Jokes - Turn around

Friday, December 19, 2008 | 0 comments |

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down upon the small white guy and says, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown." The small guy faints! The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong?" The small guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big guy looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says "Thank God, I thought you said, "Turn around."

Our Sardar is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling 86, 86, 86.

He asks the man, Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?

The man says, Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out.

He thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, Okay.

The man lifts the manhole cover, He steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling 87, 87, 87...

The weather was very hot and a man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all-alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.’

’Impossible’, said the embarrassed man, ’You really know what I think?’

’Yes’, the lady replied, ’Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom.’

Jokes - civil servant

Monday, December 15, 2008 | View Comments

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:

st: Yes sir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!

2nd: You’re kidding! I can’t even manage to do it once! What’s your secret?

st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I’m not kidding!

So the second old man rushed to the store.

Clerk: May I help you?

Old man: Yes, I’d like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.

Clerk: That’s a lot of bread! It’s sure to get hard before you’re done!

Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you’ve been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It’s my husband -- he’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he’s been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" probes the counselor further. The wife hesitates, "whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I’ll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you’ve been driving her crazy. She might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else." The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said." "What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!" The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public." "Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it’s the most important thing." "What did he say?" The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don’t screw up."

Jokes - Fishing

Sunday, December 14, 2008 | View Comments

A young boy came to Sunday school late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied - no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing,

To which the boy replied, yes he did, dad said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.

lemon sucide

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left? She calls on little Johnny. He replies, " None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot.

"The teacher replies, " The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little Johnny says "I have a question for you.

There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane
trip for the first time.

The first lady said .....I don't know bout y'al, but I'm gonna wear me some hot pink panties before I
get on that plane.'

'Why you gonna wear them for?' the other two asked.
The first replied ...'Cause if that plane goes down
and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a cornfield, they gonna find me first'

The second lady said ...'Well I'm gonna wear me
some florescent orange panties'

'Why you gonna wear them? the others asked?

The second lady answered ...'Cause if this airplane
is going down and I be floating butt-up in the ocean, they can
see me first'

The third lady says, 'Well I'm not gonna wear any

'What? No panties? the others asked in disbelief

The third lady says ...'that's right girlfriend, you
hears me right, I ain't wearing any panties, cause if this plane
goes down honey, dey always look for da black box first!'

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said, You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought,

"This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table. After wards she said,

"Thanks, " and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked,

"What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Once a Sardarji was traveling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the Sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard.

When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror.

Said his wife " What's the matter?" Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.

“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs. “I can't do anything right.” “I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.”

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison

Jokes - Mistaken identity

Friday, December 12, 2008 | 0 comments |

A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry.
I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

A mother walks into her daughters room holding a condom in her hand, "I found this while cleaning your room today.... Are you sexually active?" To which the daughter replies, "No, I just lay there."


Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."

One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam looks puzzled at God, "Lord, what is a kiss?". God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?" "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Puzzled again he asks, "Lord, what is caress?" God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve." Puzzled yet again, "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

Santa: Madam this panty & this bra will look nice on U.
Lady: How can U be so sure?
Santa: I'have done diploma in interior designing.


Santa divorced his wife on 1st night.
Banta asked him the reason,
Santa said, "Yaar ohdi panty te sticker laga si: OK/Tested. Mohan Lal & Sons


Santa's father gave him a gun on wedding night & said: Fire in air if ur wife is virgin,
shoot her if not.
Santa fired in air 1st night & shot her 2nd night.

Pictures - Job cut

Wednesday, December 10, 2008 | View Comments

When I was in Jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big boobs.

In high school, I dated a girl with big boobs, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was without direction. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with big boobs!!

In a biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?"

Little Johnny raises his hand.

"Go ahead, Johnny."

"My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder."

"That's terrible, Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"

Again Johnny raises his hand.

"We'll give you another chance."

"My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it, and his eyes popped out of his fucking head in shock."

Pictures - Lucky monkey

Tuesday, December 09, 2008 | View Comments

Banta: Bade sharm ki baat hai main homosexual ho gaya hu.
Preeto: Wo kaise ?
Banta: I have sex at home only.
Preeto: Thank God! Main aisi nahi hoon


Jewellery shop mein Santa ki zabardast pitaayi ho gai. Y ?
Sanata ne sales-girl se kaha: Aapki ek ek item gazab ki hai.
Sone ka kya rate lengi.


Banta ne Suhag raat ko biwi se pucha: Kya tum VIRGIN ho?
Biwi: Ji, magar PEECHE se! Aur Tum?
Banta: Main bhi, magar aage se

On 1st night Santa uses all his power to push it in.
Fails but proudly says: Too tight! But I'm happy I'm the 1st.
Bride: No ji. Others removed the panty 1st.


Santa divorced his wife on 1st night.
Banta asked him the reason,
Santa said, "Yaar ohdi panty te sticker laga si: OK/Tested. Mohan Lal & Sons


Banta to a girl: Wat's ur name?
Girl: Carmen.
Banta: Yeh kaisa naam hai?
Girl: Becoz I like Cars and men. What's ur name?


Santa comes bleeding. Banta: What happened?
Santa: Jaggu hit me with hammer.
Banta: Didn’t u hv anything in ur hands?
Santa: I had.
Banta: What?
Santa: His wife’s boobs!

Jokes - Care of nuns

Monday, December 08, 2008 | View Comments

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open-heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Well, then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

jokes - Saturday morning

Monday, December 08, 2008 | View Comments

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."

It was professor smith's first day at St. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.

To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".

He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"

Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".

Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.

This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.

Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".

The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:

(1) You lack knowledge

(2) You have a dirty mind and

(3) Your Expectations are too high !!! (10 times .. .. Huh .. .. MY GOD !!! )

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.

The mother asks the daughter, 'What are you doing naked?'

The daughter responds, 'This is the dress of love.'

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.

When her husband arrives, he asks her, 'What are you doing naked?'

She responds, 'This is the dress of love.'

'Well,' he says to her, 'go iron it.'

A blonde holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the store's baby scale.

"Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first."

"Oh, that won't work," says the blonde.

"Why not?" asks the clerk.

"Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."

Height Of Heartbreak :

An Innocent Man Watching Blue film after Marriage

And Sees his own Wife in it!!


What A Contrast!!

Car Sales Girl to A Call Girl : Aaj agar Koi Car Nahin Biki To Meri P A N T Y utar Jayegi !!!!

Call Girl : Aaj Agar Meri P A N T Y Nahin utari to Meri Car bik Jayegi!!!!

chutkule - Short jokes

Saturday, December 06, 2008 | View Comments

75yrz old man got married with a girl of 15 yrz old. At marriage nite they both r crying cuz Girl don"t know anything and an old man hav 4gotten evrythng.

Sardar: Mestriji, Bed pakka banana, Mere Bete ko Bahu par chadna he
Mestri: Aisa bed banaunga ki, chahe sara maholla chhad jaye kuch nahi hoga

Suhag raat thi k achanak dulhe ki maa ne darwaza bajaya to dulhan bhaag kar parde k peche chup gaye dulha : bola maa hai meri
dulhan oho me samji chaapa par gaya

Jeeja : Mai Tumhare Liye Chudiyan Laya Hoon

Sali: Achha, Kitni Khoobsurat Hai!

Jeeja : Lo Pehan Lo

Sali : Aap Hi Pehna Dijiye

Jeeja : O Tere Ki!!! Pehle Pata hota to Mai Bikini Le kar Aata!!


Fat Electrician: Bolo Priye Tumhe Kya Gam Hai!!

Wife : Swami Load Jyada Hai Aur Voltage Bahut Kam Hai!!


Aadmi Bade Mood Mai Waiter Se:

Chottu Ek Sexy si Chai Pilao

Chottu: Sahab Hamare Yahan Gaaye Ka Doodh Aata Hai Bipasha Basu Ka Nahin!!

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day when he asked his teacher a question, "Please Miss," he said, "What's a PE.NIS?"

The teacher thought it was an excellent question so she told the whole class that it would be their homework for the night.

When little Johnny got home he immediately went to his father and asked him what a pe.nis is.

His father undid his trousers and said, "Look son, that's a Pe.nis."

Johnny was very pleased that it had been so easy to do his homework.

The next morning, on his way to school he met Mary but she was in floods of tears.

"Why are you crying?" he asked.

"Well I wasn't able to do my homework," she sobbed.

"Nobody would tell me what a Pe.nis is."

"OK, I'll help you," said little Johnny.

As he undid his trousers he said to Mary, "Look, you see this? Well, this is a Dic.k . A Pe.nis is about three inches shorter!"

Pappu: Dad how was I born

Dad: well son, your Mom & I got together at 'YAHOO'

we set us a date via e-mail, & Met in a cyber cafe,

Your Mom agreed to download data from my PEN DRIVE,

JUST when I was about to "Transfer"

we realized that none of us have installed "FIREWALL"

IT was too late to DELETE

9 months later a POP-UP Window appeared & said

YOU HAVE GOT A MALE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SMS Jokes - Jokes

Thursday, December 04, 2008 | View Comments

When i open my eyes every morning i pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you.... Why should only i suffer!!!

When I was born Devil said...Oh Shit!!! Another GOD!!!..& When u were born devil said ...Oh Shit!!!!Competition...!!!

Do U know the fullform of COLLEGE- C-Come,O-On,L-Lets, L-Love, E-Each,G-Girl,E-Equally......That's why boys go to college regularly....

If ur world is spining Round & Round..& Round....Ur heart is beating fast ,do u think its LOVE? na Munna na its called high B/P...

what happend 2 ur mobile? i was trying 2 call u but i got this msg: welcome 2 D jungle network,D monkey u r tring 2 call is on tree plz try later.

Last night I lay in my bed looking at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky...then i thought where the fuck is my roof

Birdy birdy in the sky dropped a poopy in my eye, I don't worry I don't cry, I'm just happy that cows can't fly!

Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy, when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.

"Nope," Jimmy replied.

"Well did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.


"You didn't steal it, did you?"

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily; "What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and keep quiet, then."

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along. “What’ll you have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you, I suppose,” she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one gulp. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. “Yuck, that’s nasty poison!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's
Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm
not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm
not coming home 'til I've been laid!!" Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10
so I don't worry about you."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of
Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock...

Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs
Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with
her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head
stuck between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?"
asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and
5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're
gonna have the time of your life!!!"

The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word fascinate."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was Fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but again, I wanted the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand.

She was hesitant to call on Johnny but figured there was no way to pervert the word fascinate so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big that she can only fasten eight.

One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.

Little Johnny says "It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth."

The teacher says "that is correct, but why?"

Little Johnny answers "I don't know, but my mom always tells my dad "turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"

On their wedding night the husband was so self - conscious about the smallness of his penis that before undressing, he snapped off the light. Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride.

"That's thoughtful, darling," she cooed, "but we'll need the light if you want to write thank-you notes ."

Marketing strategies explained more!!

You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up
and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour
her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her,
pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and
then say:"By the way, I'm rich. Will you
"Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations... "

You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks
up to you and says:"You are very rich!
"Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition. .."

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you
a nice hard slap on your face. - "That's Customer Feedback..."

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she
introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap..."

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before you say anything, another person come
and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she
goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share..."

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your
wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets..."

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
________________________________ ____________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherrytree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

A Sardar's response to the comment, "THINK about it!" : "I don't have to think-I'm sardar!"


Sardars SantaSingh and Banta Singh are in a railway station.
Santa Singh asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?"
"No," answers the Railway man.
"Can I?" asks Banta Singh.


Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate
"Mother: Sikh. Father: Sikh. Kid: Chinese."
"How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sikh?"
"Aah, Sardarji read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese."

The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.
"What's the problem ?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 2400 kms from home."

Jokes - Wedding dress

Monday, December 01, 2008 | View Comments

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her awhile then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?" She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?" She says, "Well, your name never came up."