A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"
A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops. "Yes," says the blonde. "Are their lights on?" The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."
An american born Desi returned to India and hired a tourist cab for sight seeing. When taken to the Taj Mahal in Agra, he asked how many years it took to build it. The guide replied 20 years. The American desi remarked You guys are lazy, in America we can build some thing like this in 5 years. At Red Fort in Dehli he asked the same question. The guide reduced the period to impress him and said Ten years. Only ten years The American Desi retorted: Didn’t I say you guys are slow workers! In America we could have built it in 2 1/2 years. Same story everywhere. He admired the places but reduced the period to 1/4th. The guide got irritated by this young American Desi. Next day when they were near Qutab Minar the American Desi asked what is that tower? The guide replied I ‘ll have to go and find out. When I was passing by this side last evening there was nothing here.
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Paul about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Paul advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn’t recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Paul ’s?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn’t recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Paul ’s?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
I talk, he talk; Why do you middle middle talk?
(beech, beech = middle, middle)
"Hey, u guys, please keep quiet. The president is rotating outside"
"Donot smoke and spoil the botany of ur body"
" Open the windows, open the windows, let the climate come in "
" Why are you naat filupping the blanks ? "
Advice to father thinking about whether he should let his daughter continue her studies
or get her married : " Vell, if you wantu study her, then study her. If you want u marry her, then
marry her ."
Prof to students hanging around the corridors during exams :
" Do not revolve in the corridors in front of the examinations "
" Don't talk like that in front of my back "
""Dont stand in front of my back"
" Louly hair cutting. Hair cutting, current drying . No shock. "
" Florida paan shop. Prop: Raju . B.A, M.A. "
"Repeat again please!"
"Mistake became wrong!"
Did you cut the tickets for the film, yet?
Pliss, close the fan!
He/she's my cousin brother/sister
He/she's my co-brother/sister
Galatfehmi ka shikar hona:: to be hunted down by misunderstanding.
Izzat ko mitti me milana:: To mix one's honor in mud
Maro saale ko:: Hit the brother in law
Meri izzat ki naak cut gayee:: My honors' nose has been chopped off
Kiske saath moonh kaala kiya? :: Who have you blackened your face with?
naak mein dum karna:: to strengthen the nostrils
An instructor explaining the working of pendulum:
" Take an elephant of negligible weight"
heard in kitchen: No, No I don't need chair i can stand eating
It's so hot! Please on the fan no.
Instructor: "Take a copper wire of any metal...and pour a liquid solution of sul
phuric acid in a round bottom flask of any shape.. "
A gardener scolding three kids : " Both of u three, don't under-stand the tree " !!
"Open the doors of the window, and let the atmosphere come in "
Pune'ites, and Bombay'ites will understand this - " This is not 'parvadable' "!!!
"Issac New Ton is great scientist. In India, apple falls on head and he go back to invent Gravity. He is friend and follower of Mahatma Gandhi in fight
for freedom.There is a statue to him with long coat and long hair. He great
"A cow has 2 horns with sharp points and Bull between tham. It has 4 legs and stands on its own feet". It ended with a touch of logic, "A cow gives milk
which we drink. Therefore, it is our mother."
"You three, both of you kneel down together separately"
"There is no wind in the ball (deflated football)"
"Run with the fence" (alongside)
"Look at the line on your back" (falling in line)
"Apply Apply, No reply" (common one)
"Why aren't you kneel downing?"
Look at the climate man, it's too hot to play.
If you talk, I'll kneel down (Always wished he would, but found out that, that's not what he meant)
Cuckoo, Blaady (Kick you, bloody...)
The principal just passed away.
Who took out the breeze of my cykill.
Meet me behind the class (meant after the class).
My cykill is understanding the tree.
Open the windows and let the atmosphere come in"!
Open the windows and let the AIR FORCE come in"!
• God determines who walks into your life. You decide who stays & who walks out. Send this to people you never want to lose, I just did...
• Loving you could take my life, but when I look into your eyes, I know you're worth that sacrifice!
• Heaven is the place where I would be, the day you would stop loving me!
• Some people have nice eyes... some people have nice smile, others have nice faces, but you have all of them with a nice heart!• People die younger because God loves them so much. But you are still on earth...
because there is someone who loves you more than God.
• If u find ur world as a sky and ur friends as STARS, and if U don't find me among them, dont worrry! I've just been fallen to make ur wish come true.
• Ur precious love has turned my life completely around, I feel like I'm walking but my feet don't seem to touch the ground!
Having snuck out with a very cute young woman that he met at a party, Banta, exhausted from hours of hot sex, woke up at her apartment at 3 A.M.
"Oh God!" Banta thought, "Jeeto's gonna kill me!"
Trying to figure out how he would explain this to Jenny without getting whacked with a frying pan, inspiration struck first.
Banta dashed out to the nearest pay phone, dialed his home number quickly, and breathlessly said, "Jeeto, Jeeto! Don't pay the ransom!!!
I escaped!!!"
A Doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant, "Banta, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients".
"Yes, sir!!!" answers Banta.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, "So, Banta, How was your day?" Banta told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a Headache so I gave him Analgin."
"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had running nose and I gave him Coldarin, sir" says Banta.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts:
HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!"
And what did you do Banta?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes!!!
"Yes, sir!!!" answers Banta.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, "So, Banta, How was your day?" Banta told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a Headache so I gave him Analgin."
"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had running nose and I gave him Coldarin, sir" says Banta.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts:
HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!"
And what did you do Banta?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes!!!
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's a blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark."
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's a blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark."
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren.
She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly
have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my
grandchildren?"
She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly
have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my
grandchildren?"
16 Reasons To Date A Horse Rider
1.We have 4 speeds and many positions
2.We wear tight pants and tall boots
3.We love getting dirty
4.We know how to ride our mounts
5.We perform well with animals
6.We like to be in control
7.We’ll ride it for hours
8.We know how to handle a big girth
9.We get off easy
10.We’re always on top
11.We like it rough
12.We have our legs spread all day long
13.We love using whips
14.Stradling is our natural position
15.We don’t mind being bucked around
16.Endurance riders do it longer
1.We have 4 speeds and many positions
2.We wear tight pants and tall boots
3.We love getting dirty
4.We know how to ride our mounts
5.We perform well with animals
6.We like to be in control
7.We’ll ride it for hours
8.We know how to handle a big girth
9.We get off easy
10.We’re always on top
11.We like it rough
12.We have our legs spread all day long
13.We love using whips
14.Stradling is our natural position
15.We don’t mind being bucked around
16.Endurance riders do it longer
A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for a 69er."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he
measures everything first!"
says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he
measures everything first!"
There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.
The receptionist became irritated and said,"You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said,"Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.The receptionist became irritated and said,"You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied snottily, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?""There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice."And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
While checking the church storeroom, the pastor discovered several cases of new Bibles that never had been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise money for the church. Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who always had kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But because he didn't want to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the backseats of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack,
how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, he said, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's the $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "Louie, there's $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?" Louie just nodded.
"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-re-really do-do-do-don't kn-kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-s-said wa-wa-wa-was W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-Bible f-f-f-for t-t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks o-o-o-or wo-wo-wo-would yo-yo-yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-m-me t-t-t-to st-st-st-stand h-h-h-here and r-r-r-read it t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?'"
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise money for the church. Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who always had kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But because he didn't want to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the backseats of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack,
how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, he said, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's the $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "Louie, there's $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?" Louie just nodded.
"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-re-really do-do-do-don't kn-kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-s-said wa-wa-wa-was W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-Bible f-f-f-for t-t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks o-o-o-or wo-wo-wo-would yo-yo-yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-m-me t-t-t-to st-st-st-stand h-h-h-here and r-r-r-read it t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?'"
Doctor Simon is known throughout London as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment.
One day, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely bent over and
leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her.
Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon’s office.
15 minutes later, to everyone’s surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face.
A woman in the waiting room says, "It's unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor
Simon do to you?"
"Miracle, shmiracle, he just gave me a longer walking stick."
One day, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely bent over and
leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her.
Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon’s office.
15 minutes later, to everyone’s surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face.
A woman in the waiting room says, "It's unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor
Simon do to you?"
"Miracle, shmiracle, he just gave me a longer walking stick."
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don’t, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don’t, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don’t, you are not understanding
If you visit her often,she thinks it is boring
If you don’t , she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don’t , you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it’s bad
If you don’t, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn’t respect her
If you don’t, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it’s hard to wait
If she is late, she says that’s a girl’s way
If you visit another man, you’re not putting in “quality time”
If she is visited by another woman, “Oh it’s natural, we are girls”
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they a just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk
Can't help it .
If you don’t, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don’t, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don’t, you are not understanding
If you visit her often,she thinks it is boring
If you don’t , she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don’t , you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it’s bad
If you don’t, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn’t respect her
If you don’t, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it’s hard to wait
If she is late, she says that’s a girl’s way
If you visit another man, you’re not putting in “quality time”
If she is visited by another woman, “Oh it’s natural, we are girls”
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they a just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk
Can't help it .
Sardar declares:
I will never marry in my life and
I'll give same advice to my children also
*************************************************
SARDAR talking on cell.
2ND SARDAR: kis se baat kar raho ho.
1ST: biwi se.....
2ND: itne... pyar se....?
1ST: tumhari hai. . .
*****************************************
A donkey kicked sardar & ran away
sardar ran to catch the donkey. He saw a zebra & started beating it & said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'.
****************************************
sardar: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Jeeto: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300ml
now it's 1.5 ltr.
***************************************
teacher: make a sentence in which 1 word repeated 4 times
sardar: lara dutta marries brian lara and she becomes lara lara
***************************************
Teacher: is line ki english banao, usne apna kaam kiya or karta hi gya.
Santa: He done his work and done dana dan done dana dan....
**************************************
Santa went to mysore palace.
Tourist guide - santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan's chair
Santa - oye dont worry yaar i'll get up when he comes.!!..
*************************************
Sardar wanted to make a STD. call to punjab,
He wanted to save money so what did he do?
Simple, he went to punjab and made a local call.
*************************************
Oye paaji, apni pregnant wife ko itne dard mein hospital
ki jagah pizza hut kyun leja raha hai........
Sardarji: Kyun key pizza hut mein"Delivery Free" hai.
************************************
One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village?
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!
***********************************
Teacher: A for?
Sardar: Apple
Teacher: Jor se bolo?
Sardar: Jay mata di.
**********************************
American says: " US mein shaadi E-mail se hoti hai.."
Sardarji says: " India me to.. shaadi Fe-mail se hoti hai...!!!"
*********************************
Sardar orders pizza.
Waiter: Sir shud i cut it into 4 pieces or into 8 pieces?
Sardar: 4 hi karde 8 khaye nahi jayenge
********************************
Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.
Santa: Who r u?
Girl: Seeta here.
Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya
*******************************
Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?
Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha, har baar lagta hai jaise usko vapas karne aya hai.
*******************************
Sardar sitting on the top of the mountain and studying.
When a person asked what he was doing?
He replied, Oye! higher studies yaar.
*******************************
2 sardars were fighting after exam.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
1 Sardar: This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
1 Sardar: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both copied.
******************************
Sardar 1: I'm very kanjoos, I went 2 honeymoon alone & saved 1/2 money.
Sardar 2: You r nothing I saved all my money, my friend was going & I sent my wife with him.
I will never marry in my life and
I'll give same advice to my children also
*************************************************
SARDAR talking on cell.
2ND SARDAR: kis se baat kar raho ho.
1ST: biwi se.....
2ND: itne... pyar se....?
1ST: tumhari hai. . .
*****************************************
A donkey kicked sardar & ran away
sardar ran to catch the donkey. He saw a zebra & started beating it & said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'.
****************************************
sardar: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Jeeto: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300ml
now it's 1.5 ltr.
***************************************
teacher: make a sentence in which 1 word repeated 4 times
sardar: lara dutta marries brian lara and she becomes lara lara
***************************************
Teacher: is line ki english banao, usne apna kaam kiya or karta hi gya.
Santa: He done his work and done dana dan done dana dan....
**************************************
Santa went to mysore palace.
Tourist guide - santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan's chair
Santa - oye dont worry yaar i'll get up when he comes.!!..
*************************************
Sardar wanted to make a STD. call to punjab,
He wanted to save money so what did he do?
Simple, he went to punjab and made a local call.
*************************************
Oye paaji, apni pregnant wife ko itne dard mein hospital
ki jagah pizza hut kyun leja raha hai........
Sardarji: Kyun key pizza hut mein"Delivery Free" hai.
************************************
One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village?
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!
***********************************
Teacher: A for?
Sardar: Apple
Teacher: Jor se bolo?
Sardar: Jay mata di.
**********************************
American says: " US mein shaadi E-mail se hoti hai.."
Sardarji says: " India me to.. shaadi Fe-mail se hoti hai...!!!"
*********************************
Sardar orders pizza.
Waiter: Sir shud i cut it into 4 pieces or into 8 pieces?
Sardar: 4 hi karde 8 khaye nahi jayenge
********************************
Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.
Santa: Who r u?
Girl: Seeta here.
Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya
*******************************
Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?
Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha, har baar lagta hai jaise usko vapas karne aya hai.
*******************************
Sardar sitting on the top of the mountain and studying.
When a person asked what he was doing?
He replied, Oye! higher studies yaar.
*******************************
2 sardars were fighting after exam.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
1 Sardar: This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
1 Sardar: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both copied.
******************************
Sardar 1: I'm very kanjoos, I went 2 honeymoon alone & saved 1/2 money.
Sardar 2: You r nothing I saved all my money, my friend was going & I sent my wife with him.
A girl was yelling in the Church after the Chapel: "Oh God! Please make Moscow the Capital of China!"
The priest inquired: "Why must you pray so, my child?"
Girl: "That's what I've written in my answer sheet in the examination!"
******************************
A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on
his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passer by who'd seen everything remarked: "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."
"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him."
*****************************
An American report: We crossed chickens with cows. The new breed simultaneously produces milk, meat and eggs.
Report from France: We crossed flies and bees. The hybrid flies over the trash fields and produces honey.
Report from Russia: We crossed a melon with cockroaches. When you cut this melon, seeds run away by themselves.
The priest inquired: "Why must you pray so, my child?"
Girl: "That's what I've written in my answer sheet in the examination!"
******************************
A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on
his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passer by who'd seen everything remarked: "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."
"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him."
*****************************
An American report: We crossed chickens with cows. The new breed simultaneously produces milk, meat and eggs.
Report from France: We crossed flies and bees. The hybrid flies over the trash fields and produces honey.
Report from Russia: We crossed a melon with cockroaches. When you cut this melon, seeds run away by themselves.
Two school girls were talking in school break.
Girl 1: You seem worried today. what’s the matter?
Girl 2: Ya! As my mom’s gonna marry again soon.
Girl 1: What’s that bothering you, new relationship or new father?
Girl 2: New father! hes a famous man. I wonder how would he treat me?
Girl 1: Who’s he?
Girl 2: Mr. Baig! The famous film maker.
Girl 1: Don’t you worry then at all! Hes a nice chap.
Girl 2: How can you say that?
Girl 1: He was my father last month!
Girl 1: You seem worried today. what’s the matter?
Girl 2: Ya! As my mom’s gonna marry again soon.
Girl 1: What’s that bothering you, new relationship or new father?
Girl 2: New father! hes a famous man. I wonder how would he treat me?
Girl 1: Who’s he?
Girl 2: Mr. Baig! The famous film maker.
Girl 1: Don’t you worry then at all! Hes a nice chap.
Girl 2: How can you say that?
Girl 1: He was my father last month!
One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!"
"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.
"Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.
Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".
The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher
asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"
Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard
my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."
"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.
"Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.
Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".
The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher
asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"
Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard
my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."
Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful."
"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to my grilfriend's office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ... Father?"
Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
"Father, I am sinful."
"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to my grilfriend's office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ... Father?"
Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern.
Thehusband leans over and asks his wife: "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind?"
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks: 'I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so's there's no trouble.”
So he follows the old couple behind the tavern.They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for
about for minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks: “That was truly amazing, he was going
like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.”
So, as the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret," the old man says," except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."
Thehusband leans over and asks his wife: "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind?"
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks: 'I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so's there's no trouble.”
So he follows the old couple behind the tavern.They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for
about for minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks: “That was truly amazing, he was going
like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.”
So, as the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret," the old man says," except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."
"aik martaba aik larki long drive pay ja rahe hoti hay aadhi rat ko wapis ghar atray huway uski gari kharab ho jati hay usay samnay aik ghar nazar ata hay aur ghar k malik s kehti hay k "plzzz mujha aik rat yahan rehnay dain main subha chali jaoon gi gari filhal kharab hay" ghar k owner ne kaha "main ek shart pay tum ko yahan rehnay don ga k tum is ghar k pichlay hisay main nahen jao gi jahan santa aur banta mere 2 betay reh rahay hain aur unse sex naheen karo gi" us aurat nay wadah kia aur wo kamray main ja k sonay lagi to raat ko uski sexual wishes jaag uthi usko koi mard chahiye tha chunacha wo uthi aur ghar k pichlay hisay main ja k santa aur banta ko bulla lai apnay kamray main aur unse sex karnay ko kaha santa aur banta dono razi ho gaye larki nay kaha pehlay condom charha lo takay bacha na ho jaye santa aur banta nay condom pehnay aur sex kia us lakri k sath sari rat is waqay ko 10 saal guzar gaye to santa ne banta se kaha "tum yad hay wo aik aurat jo hamaray ghar i the aadhi rat ko theharnay k liye aur us nay hums sex karwaya tha condpom charha k?" banta ne kaha :"han yad hay" santa ne kaha to phir tumhein koi farq parta hay uska bacha ho gjaye to?" banta ne kaha "mujhay koi farq nahen parta" santa ne kaha mujhay bhi koi farq nahen parta aao mil k condom utar dein wo wala jo us raat charhaya tha "
A little girl walks in on her father masturbating. He doesn't notice
she's there. She has no idea what he was doing. She curiously watches
him, and then sneaks away. She goes into her older brother's room and
tells him what she saw. He starts to explain. So the next day at
school, the teacher asks, "Class, what are the best toys to you?"
Maryraises her hand and says, "Dolls." Billy says, "Frisbies."
The littlegirl raises her hand and says, "Penis." And her teacher asks, "What?"
"The definition of toys are things you like to play with, right?"
Well, yes," says her teacher. "
Well, my dad sure likes to play with it."
she's there. She has no idea what he was doing. She curiously watches
him, and then sneaks away. She goes into her older brother's room and
tells him what she saw. He starts to explain. So the next day at
school, the teacher asks, "Class, what are the best toys to you?"
Maryraises her hand and says, "Dolls." Billy says, "Frisbies."
The littlegirl raises her hand and says, "Penis." And her teacher asks, "What?"
"The definition of toys are things you like to play with, right?"
Well, yes," says her teacher. "
Well, my dad sure likes to play with it."
There were three boys named Manners, Shut up and Trouble.
One day,
the boys decide to play hide-and-seek. Trouble is on. Manners goes and
hides in a tree and Shut up goes and hides in a trash can.
At that
moment, a policeman comes up to the trash can to throw away a banana
peel. He opens the lid, only to find a boy in there.
The policeman asks, " What are you doing in there, boy?"
Shut up replies, "Playing hide-and-seek, sir."
Intrigued, the policeman asks,"What's your name, boy?"
"Shut up."
"Where are your manners, boy?!"
"Manners is up the tree."
"Boy, are you looking for trouble???"
"No sir, Trouble is looking for me!"
One day,
the boys decide to play hide-and-seek. Trouble is on. Manners goes and
hides in a tree and Shut up goes and hides in a trash can.
At that
moment, a policeman comes up to the trash can to throw away a banana
peel. He opens the lid, only to find a boy in there.
The policeman asks, " What are you doing in there, boy?"
Shut up replies, "Playing hide-and-seek, sir."
Intrigued, the policeman asks,"What's your name, boy?"
"Shut up."
"Where are your manners, boy?!"
"Manners is up the tree."
"Boy, are you looking for trouble???"
"No sir, Trouble is looking for me!"
Two blondes are working on a house. One of them, who’s nailing down siding, has been reaching into her pouch, pulling out a nail, and either tossing it over her shoulder or nailing it in.
The second blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asks, "Hey—how come you’re throwing half the nails over your shoulder?
"The first blonde explains, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away because it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in."
The second blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asks, "Hey—how come you’re throwing half the nails over your shoulder?
"The first blonde explains, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away because it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in."
"You moron!" the second blonde yells. "The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective. They’re for the other side of the house."
Three men are arguing in a bar. The first says, “God must be a mechanical engineer—just look at the joints in the human body.”
The second says, “God is an electrical engineer—look at the nervous system.”
The third says, “God has to be a civil engineer—who else would run a
waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?”
The second says, “God is an electrical engineer—look at the nervous system.”
The third says, “God has to be a civil engineer—who else would run a
waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?”
A boy was meeting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was
sitting underneath the boy’s chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.
"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was home free so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"Duke! Get out of there before the boy shits on you!"
sitting underneath the boy’s chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.
"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was home free so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"Duke! Get out of there before the boy shits on you!"
Three generals, an American, a British, and a Canadian, are sitting in their mess, bragging about the courage of their troops.
The American General says: "My troops are the most courageous of
them all." He pokes his head out the window "Sargent! Stand in front of
that corporal there, and he’ll shoot you" The sargent snaps to
attention, salutes, and BANG! he’s dead.
The British general is impressed, but not to be out done, he sticks
his head out of the mess. "Private! lie down in the middle of the road,
and the lieutenat there will run over you with his tank!" The private,
given a direct order, lies down, and without flinching, gets squished
by the tank.
The Canadian general, looking impressed, sticks his head out and
looks around. He sees a lineman on top of a 120 foot power pylon.
"Corporal! Jump off the pylon". The corporal looks at the ground, looks
back at the general:
"Fuck you sir!"
The American General says: "My troops are the most courageous of
them all." He pokes his head out the window "Sargent! Stand in front of
that corporal there, and he’ll shoot you" The sargent snaps to
attention, salutes, and BANG! he’s dead.
The British general is impressed, but not to be out done, he sticks
his head out of the mess. "Private! lie down in the middle of the road,
and the lieutenat there will run over you with his tank!" The private,
given a direct order, lies down, and without flinching, gets squished
by the tank.
The Canadian general, looking impressed, sticks his head out and
looks around. He sees a lineman on top of a 120 foot power pylon.
"Corporal! Jump off the pylon". The corporal looks at the ground, looks
back at the general:
"Fuck you sir!"
Heaven was getting too crowded so one day God told St. Peter to only allow those who had had a bad day on the day of their death in. Not long afterwards a man shows up at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter says "Hello, sir, How was your day?" The man replies, "Just awful. I came home to my apartment on the thirteenth floor of my building and when I opened the door I found a man and a woman in bed together. I shut the door quickly but soon realized that the woman in the bed was my wife. I opened the door again but the guy was gone. I searched all over and finally I found him hanging on by his fingers off of my balcony. I ran over and started banging on his fingertips. He fell off but landed on a bush so I grabbed the first thing I could find, the refridgerator, and threw it on top of him. Then I guess I had a heart attack because here I am." St. Peter smiled and said, "Okay, sir, I can see you’ve had a bad day...welcome to Heaven."
A little while later a man in an exercising suit came up to St. Peter. St. Peter said, "Hello, sir, How was your day?" The man said, "It was horrible! I was exercising on the balcony of my fourteenth floor apartment when I got a little excited and fell off. But luckily I caught the guy below me’s balcony. Then get this...The crazy bastard comes out and starts banging on my fingertips! I fall, but thankfully, land on a bush. Then the guy throws a refridgerator on me! A REFRIDGERATOR!!! So I died..." St. Peter’s laughing by now and says, "Okay, sir, you’ve had a bad day...welcome to Heaven."
Then President Bill Clinton walks up. St. Peter gasps and says, "Oh, my gosh, Mr. President! We’re you assassinated?!" Bill Clinton sighs and says, "Picture this...me naked in a refidgerator."
A little while later a man in an exercising suit came up to St. Peter. St. Peter said, "Hello, sir, How was your day?" The man said, "It was horrible! I was exercising on the balcony of my fourteenth floor apartment when I got a little excited and fell off. But luckily I caught the guy below me’s balcony. Then get this...The crazy bastard comes out and starts banging on my fingertips! I fall, but thankfully, land on a bush. Then the guy throws a refridgerator on me! A REFRIDGERATOR!!! So I died..." St. Peter’s laughing by now and says, "Okay, sir, you’ve had a bad day...welcome to Heaven."
Then President Bill Clinton walks up. St. Peter gasps and says, "Oh, my gosh, Mr. President! We’re you assassinated?!" Bill Clinton sighs and says, "Picture this...me naked in a refidgerator."
Little Johnny and Jane are playing in the garden when they start having an argument about whether boys are better than girls.
After a while Johnny stands up and pulls down his shorts saying, "Boys are better than girls 'cause you haven't got one of these!" Jane looks at him in astonishment as she knows that she hasn't got one of those between her legs. She bursts out crying and rushes inside to her mother. A little while later she comes back out with a big smile on her face.
"My mum says girls are better than boys," she says.
"No they're not," says Johnny pulling down his shorts, "You haven't got one of these!"
Jane looks at him, then raises her skirt, pulls down her panties and says, "My mum says that as long as I've got one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"
After a while Johnny stands up and pulls down his shorts saying, "Boys are better than girls 'cause you haven't got one of these!" Jane looks at him in astonishment as she knows that she hasn't got one of those between her legs. She bursts out crying and rushes inside to her mother. A little while later she comes back out with a big smile on her face.
"My mum says girls are better than boys," she says.
"No they're not," says Johnny pulling down his shorts, "You haven't got one of these!"
Jane looks at him, then raises her skirt, pulls down her panties and says, "My mum says that as long as I've got one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"
A young man goes to a whorehouse to expierence his first taste of sex.
The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try.
The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the
young man to eat her pussy. Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts.
The man quietly says to himself, "phew", but he goes down on her again.
A moment later she farts again. He says "phew", but continues.
Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts
walking out. She asks him what's wrong, and he replies "I don't think I
can take another 66 of those!"
The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try.
The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the
young man to eat her pussy. Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts.
The man quietly says to himself, "phew", but he goes down on her again.
A moment later she farts again. He says "phew", but continues.
Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts
walking out. She asks him what's wrong, and he replies "I don't think I
can take another 66 of those!"
A gorgeous young blonde was visiting her new doctor for the first time. She was escorted to the small patient room and left alone to wait. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and the doctor stepped in.Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss... uh..." he said, looking at the chart to get his eyes off her significant assets, "Smith!" he said, finally finding her name. "It seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"
"No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and
then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and
then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
A couple had two little boys ages 4 and 8, who were excessively mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief
occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that the father of the church had been successful in disciplining
children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The father agreed, and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent
her 4-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the father
in the afternoon.
The father, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and
asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with
his mouth hanging open. The father repeated the question. "Where is
God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the father raised
his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where
is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into
his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in
the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble
this time! God is missing and they think we did it!"
Husband wife mein larai hoi,
Husband ghar se chala gaya,
Husb:Rat ko phone pay,”Khanay mein kia hai”
Wife:Zeher.
Husb:Mai dair se aonga, tum kha kar so jana:D
*******************
Husband ghar se chala gaya,
Husb:Rat ko phone pay,”Khanay mein kia hai”
Wife:Zeher.
Husb:Mai dair se aonga, tum kha kar so jana:D
******************
Girl:Me tumse shadi nahi ker sakti
isliye ye lo apne love letters
or mere mujhe wapis karo!
Boy bari c basket samne rakhte howay,
Is me se jo jo tumharay hain nikal lo!
*******************
A sardar prays daily for 2 hours,
“Hey vaheguru meri lottery lagady.”
After 11 years VaheGuru angrily appeared
& said,”Khoti de putar 1 vari ticket te le ley”
“Hey vaheguru meri lottery lagady.”
After 11 years VaheGuru angrily appeared
& said,”Khoti de putar 1 vari ticket te le ley”
*******************
Message of the year:-
Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!!
Why? Very simple…
A woman does not have a wife..!!!
*******************
Biwi(Ghusse Main): Tumhare Dimagh Main To
Sirf Gobar Hi Bhara Hai..!!
Husband (Pyar Se):
To Phr Itni Dyer Se Kha Q Rahi Ho….??
To Phr Itni Dyer Se Kha Q Rahi Ho….??
*******************
Man: Sir, my wife is missing.
Postmaster:bhai ye post office hai,
police station me complain dijiyee.
Man:Kia karon, khushi k mare
kuch samajh nahin aa raha
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God,I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The nun fainted.
Banta thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince Banta that he is still alive. Nothing seemed to work.
Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show Banta that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, Banta seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.
"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, I do," Banta replied.
"Very well, then," the doctor said.
He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.
The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh my goodness!" Banta exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"
The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince Banta that he is still alive. Nothing seemed to work.
Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show Banta that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, Banta seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.
"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, I do," Banta replied.
"Very well, then," the doctor said.
He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.
The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh my goodness!" Banta exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"
A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to
go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and
don't talk about private matters in public. At first he holds it in for
a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl
to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the
restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little
girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose". And
saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and
don't talk about private matters in public. At first he holds it in for
a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl
to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the
restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little
girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose". And
saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.
"Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and always stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make
you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then
open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped
his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man
grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its
head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals,
unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone one hundred dollars who's willing to give it a try." A
hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of
the bar.
A buxom young blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make
you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then
open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped
his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man
grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its
head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals,
unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone one hundred dollars who's willing to give it a try." A
hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of
the bar.
A buxom young blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
A man playing golf by himself hits a hole in one on the fifth hole, and out pops a genie to offer him one wish.
“That’s easy,” he says. “I wish I had a bigger dick.”
“It will be so,” says the genie, who then disappears.
The guy’s johnson grows longer as he continues playing, until by the
11th hole it’s hanging out of his pants leg. He gets another hole in
one, and again the genie appears to offer him a wish.
“I keep tripping over my dick, and it’s really annoying,” says the man.
“So what is your wish, master?” asks the genie.
“I want longer legs.”
“That’s easy,” he says. “I wish I had a bigger dick.”
“It will be so,” says the genie, who then disappears.
The guy’s johnson grows longer as he continues playing, until by the
11th hole it’s hanging out of his pants leg. He gets another hole in
one, and again the genie appears to offer him a wish.
“I keep tripping over my dick, and it’s really annoying,” says the man.
“So what is your wish, master?” asks the genie.
“I want longer legs.”
After the shameful defeat of Indian cricket team in
2007 Worldcup, the team members were not able to
show their faces to people and they chose not to go in public and
rather just pack up in hotel rooms.
Dravid could not resist for too long. So he disguises himself as a
Sardar and goes out. he meets a woman at the exit of the hotel who greets
him "Hi Dravid!"
Surprised for having been caught he comes back and
makes himself up as a muslim woman - in Burkha etc and goes out. Yet same
again - the same woman greets him "Hi Dravid!".
Dravid comes back determined to give it yet another
try with the make up of a Hippie wig and shorts etc. All in vain
- the same lady catches him again and greets him "Hi Dravid!".
Bewildered by now, he could not help asking,
"How did you recongise me?"
The lady replied - "Ssshhh...Main hoon yaar. Tendulkar"
Taught by women, for men.
1 Combating Stupidity
2 You Too Can Do Housework
3 P.M.S. – Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
4 How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray
5 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas – Give Us Money
6 understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk At 4 AM
7 Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly "Don't Wash My Silks")
8 Parenting – No, It Doesn't End With Conception
9 Get a Life – Learn How To Cook
10 How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong
11 Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right
12 understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13 You – The Weaker Sex
14 Reasons To Give Flowers
15 How To Stay Awake After
16 Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself
Anywhere But the Bathroom
17 Garbage – Getting It To the Curb
18A You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
18B The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower
19 The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous
20 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
21 How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost
22 The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency
23 Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
24 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
25 You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
26 Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
27 changing Your Underwear – It Really Works
28 The Attainable Goal – Omitting %@#*! From Your Vocabulary
29 fluffing the Blankets after Farting is Not Necessary
30 Real Men Ask For Directions
31 How To Take Illness Like a Man
Taught by men, for women.
1. Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV
2. Doing Housework Without Complaining
3. Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge
4. Going to The Washroom Alone
(formerly Coping Without My Friends)
5. Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?"
6. Exercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother
7. Learning How to Initiate Intimacy
8. How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong
9 Understanding the Male Response to "Am I Fat?"
10 Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must
11 The Toilet Seat: I Can Learn to Put It Down Too
12 Using the Thesaurus: Alternatives to "Make Love"
13 "The Weekend" and "Long Boring Walks" Are Not Synonymous
14 How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him
15 The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't Handle
16 You Too Can Be the One to Hang Up the Phone
17 Honest, You Don't Look Like Kim Bassinger – But You're Acceptable
18 Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem
(formerly One Can Is Enough)
19 Runs In Your Nylons? It's Not the End of the World
20 Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook
21 Intimacy: More Than Just Lying There
22 Learning to Choose What to Wear In Less Than Four Hours
23 Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases
24 Makeup: The Less is More Theory
25 Nagging: Stop the Insanity!
1. Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV
2. Doing Housework Without Complaining
3. Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge
4. Going to The Washroom Alone
(formerly Coping Without My Friends)
5. Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?"
6. Exercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother
7. Learning How to Initiate Intimacy
8. How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong
9 Understanding the Male Response to "Am I Fat?"
10 Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must
11 The Toilet Seat: I Can Learn to Put It Down Too
12 Using the Thesaurus: Alternatives to "Make Love"
13 "The Weekend" and "Long Boring Walks" Are Not Synonymous
14 How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him
15 The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't Handle
16 You Too Can Be the One to Hang Up the Phone
17 Honest, You Don't Look Like Kim Bassinger – But You're Acceptable
18 Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem
(formerly One Can Is Enough)
19 Runs In Your Nylons? It's Not the End of the World
20 Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook
21 Intimacy: More Than Just Lying There
22 Learning to Choose What to Wear In Less Than Four Hours
23 Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases
24 Makeup: The Less is More Theory
25 Nagging: Stop the Insanity!
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb.
test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time.
At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb.
test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time.
At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom!" she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten
to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks,
"What's so funny, Billy?"
"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!"
This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks." She says.
Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends
over to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from
another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where
do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. she stopped in the
hair salon and asked for a hair cut. she instructed that the hair
stylist could not take off the headphones.
the stylist replied "no" so the blond left. she went to a different
hair salon and said the same thing. the stylist replied "ok".
after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. the stylist took off
the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. confused at what
happened, the stylist put on the headphones. they were saying, "breath
in, breath out"
hair salon and asked for a hair cut. she instructed that the hair
stylist could not take off the headphones.
the stylist replied "no" so the blond left. she went to a different
hair salon and said the same thing. the stylist replied "ok".
after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. the stylist took off
the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. confused at what
happened, the stylist put on the headphones. they were saying, "breath
in, breath out"
Men
- Drive to the bank, park, go to the cash dispenser
- Insert card
- Dial code and desired amount
- Take the cash, the card and the slip
Women
- Drive to the bank
- Engine stalled
- Check make-up in the mirror
- Apply perfume
- Manually check haircut
- Park the car - failure
- Park the car - failure
- Park the car - success
- Search for the card in the handbag
- Insert card, rejected by the machine
- Throw phonecard back in handbag
- Look for bank card
- Insert card
- Look for the chit (where secret code written) in handbag
- Enter code
- Study instructions for 2 minutes
- #Cancel#
- Re-enter code
- #Cancel#
- Call Boyfriend/husband to get correct code
- Enter huge amount
- #Error#
- Enter large amount
- #Error#
- Enter smaller amount
- Cross fingers
- Take cash
- Go back to the car
- Check make up in rear mirror
- Look for keys in handbag
- Start car
- Drive 50 meters
- STOP
- Drive back to bank machine
- Get out of the car
- Take card and ticket back from machine
- Go back to the car
- Throw card on passenger seat
- Throw slip on the floor
- Check make up in rear mirror
- Manually check haircut
- Go into roundabout - wrong way
- BRAKE!!
- Go into roundabout - right way
- Drive 5 kilometers
- Remove hand brake
- Stop at mall
- Spend money
- Go back to step 1
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
U.S.A. Ammo
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
U.S.A. Ammo
These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.
The first guy said, ''''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''''
The second guy said, ''''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''''
The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''''
Then the first guy said, ''''No -- you guys don''t understand! Chunks is my dog!"
The first guy said, ''''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''''
The second guy said, ''''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''''
The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''''
Then the first guy said, ''''No -- you guys don''t understand! Chunks is my dog!"
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy and tell him it'll be a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says, "Shit. All I've got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
Harry says, "A hand job."
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.
He says, "Okay."
She gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a HUGE PENIS.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy and tell him it'll be a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says, "Shit. All I've got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
Harry says, "A hand job."
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.
He says, "Okay."
She gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a HUGE PENIS.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"
The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it — including the rabbit — and make no apologies. “The rabbit had it coming.”
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit.”
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it — including the rabbit — and make no apologies. “The rabbit had it coming.”
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit.”
This is somthing very interesting and good for your blog i found on andy coates site , if you take part you WILL get lots of backlinks
Please restrict your Viralink to 100 stars, it is noted that any 1 page
with over 100 outbound links may be recognised as a link farm by
google. Or alternativey split your Viralink accross 2 pages.
———copy and paste the Viralink and instructions below this line———
Below is a matrix of 120 stars, I have already added a link to my blog onto one of the stars, all you need to do is copy and paste the grid into your link and add your own link to one of the other spare stars, and tell others to do the same!
Viralink
********************
********************
********************
********************
********************
When I receive a ping back once you have
added the Viralink to your site I will add your link to this grid, and
each person who copies the grid from here will also link to your site!
Rules
No Porn Sites
Only 1 link per person (i.e don't hog the viralink!)
Please don't tamper with other peoples url's
Enjoy!
———copy and paste the Viralink and instructions above this line———
A Young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;
(1 )- kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel.
(2) - or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter.
(3)- and never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it.
The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety and Mum waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back. "How was it" asks mum. "Oh mum, it was absolutely fantastic and I think I'm in love!"
"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"
"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"
"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?" "Not exactly mum, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said and he stopped. Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said and he stopped. Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part and I told him what you said and he then took his hands out and said surprised; "What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook" !!!!
"WHAT" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others". "You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?".
"Well, not really mum. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me "taste it" if it was cooked or not.
(1 )- kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel.
(2) - or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter.
(3)- and never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it.
The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety and Mum waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back. "How was it" asks mum. "Oh mum, it was absolutely fantastic and I think I'm in love!"
"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"
"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"
"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?" "Not exactly mum, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said and he stopped. Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said and he stopped. Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part and I told him what you said and he then took his hands out and said surprised; "What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook" !!!!
"WHAT" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others". "You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?".
"Well, not really mum. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me "taste it" if it was cooked or not.
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American in an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't Stop !!!"
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't Stop !!!"
Types Of Girls - Explanation For Nerds
1. HARD DISK GIRLS
she remembers everything, FOREVER.
2. RAM GIRLS
she forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
3. WINDOW GIRLS
everyone knows that she can’t do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
4. SCREENSAVER GIRLS
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun.
5. INTERNET GIRLS
She is cool but difficult to access sometimes.
6. SERVER GIRLS
Always busy when you need her.
7. MULTIMEDIA GIRLS
She makes horrible things look beautiful.
8. CD-ROM GIRLS
She is always faster and faster.
9. EMAIL GIRLS
Out of every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
10. VIRUS GIRLS
Also known as “???” .. when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don’t try to uninstall her you will lose everything…
1. HARD DISK GIRLS
she remembers everything, FOREVER.
2. RAM GIRLS
she forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
3. WINDOW GIRLS
everyone knows that she can’t do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
4. SCREENSAVER GIRLS
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun.
5. INTERNET GIRLS
She is cool but difficult to access sometimes.
6. SERVER GIRLS
Always busy when you need her.
7. MULTIMEDIA GIRLS
She makes horrible things look beautiful.
8. CD-ROM GIRLS
She is always faster and faster.
9. EMAIL GIRLS
Out of every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
10. VIRUS GIRLS
Also known as “???” .. when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don’t try to uninstall her you will lose everything…
Banta had recently purchased a new computer with Microsoft Windows as the O/S and was unhappy with the same and writes a letter to Bill Gates, regarding the same.
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
3.There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
4. My child has learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
5.I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer' when you will provide the remaining items?
6.It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that
7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.
8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
9.You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Last one to Mr. Bill Gates: Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?
Regards,
Banta
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
3.There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
4. My child has learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
5.I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer' when you will provide the remaining items?
6.It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that
7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.
8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
9.You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Last one to Mr. Bill Gates: Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?
Regards,
Banta
A blonde walks into a library, goes up to the front desk, and says, “I’m here to see the doctor.”
“This is a library, dearie,” says the elderly librarian.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” whispers the blonde. “I’m here to see the doctor.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde is on a date with a geography teacher. “Believe it or not, I know all the state capitals,” she says proudly.
“Oh, yeah?” says the guy. “What’s the capital of Wisconsin?”
“That’s easy,” she replies. “It’s a W.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde goes
to her gynecologist and tells the doctor that no matter how hard she
and her husband have tried, she just can’t get pregnant.
The doctor says, “OK, take off your clothes and lay down on the table.”
The blonde says, “Um, all right. But I was really hoping to have my husband’s baby.”
“This is a library, dearie,” says the elderly librarian.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” whispers the blonde. “I’m here to see the doctor.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde is on a date with a geography teacher. “Believe it or not, I know all the state capitals,” she says proudly.
“Oh, yeah?” says the guy. “What’s the capital of Wisconsin?”
“That’s easy,” she replies. “It’s a W.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde goes
to her gynecologist and tells the doctor that no matter how hard she
and her husband have tried, she just can’t get pregnant.
The doctor says, “OK, take off your clothes and lay down on the table.”
The blonde says, “Um, all right. But I was really hoping to have my husband’s baby.”
A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.
The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“Nope,” replies the second guy. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”
The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“Nope,” replies the second guy. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”
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