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Jokes - Help

Monday, March 30, 2009 | 0 comments |

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"

Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!"


Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good, " said the teacher.

"Now, Lucy?" "Our family is farmer too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. The moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

Jokes - Collateral

Saturday, March 28, 2009 | 0 comments |

Here's one about the old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of

the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put in teepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"

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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.

"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

One New Yorker married to a southern gal and brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first arrived he got themselves into a hotel room and as they were laying in the bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded condom, "Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed as she pointed it to her new husband

As he craned his neck to see what it was, he looked at her and asked "Why, they don't use those things where you come from?"

"Yeah," she said "but we don't skin 'em!"

Prof .of Economics

Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.


Prof. of Accountancy

Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.


Prof. of Algebra

Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.


Prof. of Geometry

Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.


Prof. of Physics

Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.


Prof. of Chemistry

Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.


Prof. of Zoology

Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.


Prof. of Physiology

Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.


Prof. of Dentistry

Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.


Prof. of Philosophy

Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.


Prof. of English

Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction, it is more common than proper, it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.


Prof. of Architecture

Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects


Prof. of Computer Science

What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable



Sub: Offer of love!

Dearest Ms Richa

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 25th of July (Friday).

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 24th of July. At 1100 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.

Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.

However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.

I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,

Johnny (HR Manager)

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.

He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.

She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man is impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.

She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.

She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.

She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money.

Guess which lady he chose to marry?

Think like a man . . .

He married the most beautiful one!!!!!!

Jokes - Paint job

Wednesday, March 25, 2009 | 0 comments |

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter.

Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"

"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."


First date:

You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date:

You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third date:

You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.


First Date:

You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date:

You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary:

You both get blind drunk and have sex.


First date:

You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date:

You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.

Third date:

You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.


First date:

Meet her parents.

Second date:

Set the date of the wedding.

Third date:

Wedding night


First Date:

You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date:

She's pregnant.

Third Date:

She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.


First Date:

Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.

Second Date:

Guy is shot dead.

No third date!!!


First Date:

You will have to spend all your money to impress

Second Date:

You will take a loan to keep the image

Third Date:

Your are broke, she finds someone wealthier

Pictures - Handy Chair

Tuesday, March 24, 2009 | 0 comments |

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An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaieties of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? That this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection, either."

A Sardarji was in a night-club in New York, dancing with a beautiful woman.

He whispered into her ear, "I love you."

She smiled and whispered back, "I love you too!"

There was a little pause. (The Sardarji was thinking!)

Then he whispered, "I love you three."

An hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in West Virginia, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.

"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.

"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.

"Thirteen ??? My God girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?" he thundered.

Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh ?"

Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out. He goes and sits outside the class but he can't stop laughing.

The principal walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing and he says, "Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?"

Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out."

The principle says, "Well then why are you laughing?"

Little Johnny says, "Cause the dumb idiots are sitting in the class smelling my fart and here I am outside in this beautiful weather."

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.*

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?'

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand.

Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender.

'But, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out!

Employees of a Company are all worried. Some are roaming around. Some are in

loud discussions during office time.....

Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened

to a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"

They're asking for Rs.10 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to

douse him with petrol and set him on fire.

We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."

One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?



"About 1 litre."

Pictures - Women

Saturday, March 21, 2009 | 0 comments |

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One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?"

The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"

To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the building fund...."

To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"

Boss: Where were you born?

Sardar: India.

Boss: which part?

Sardar: What "which part"? Whole body was born in India.


2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.

Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb

explodes while fixing.

Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.


Sardar: What is the name of your car?

Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with "T".

Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.


Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.

Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.


Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.

Sardar: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.


At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!

Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?


Sardar: U cheated me.

Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.

Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is "All India Radio!"


Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?

Sardar: An old king's skeleton.

Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?

Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child.

The other day, my girlfriends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club" One of my friends wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 dollar bill.

The "male dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and pastes it on his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back, licks the $20 bill and pastes it on his butt cheek.

Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my friend pulls out a $50 bill.

She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again pastes it on his butt cheek.

Now the attention is focused on me. What can I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought a minute. And the financial analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home.

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1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some or all of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any given time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5

Jokes - Mother-in-law factor

Wednesday, March 18, 2009 | 0 comments |

A small farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came charging towards him. As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly continued his milking.
To everyone s astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy, turned around and walked away . Weren t you afraid? one of the workers asked the boy.
Not at all, the boy replied , I knew this cow was his mother-in-law.

Jokes- Live to be a hundred

Wednesday, March 18, 2009 | 0 comments |

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?"

inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

It's not so hard to make a woman happy. Just keep these things in mind:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a physiotherapist

15. a gynecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24.. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44. compassionate


45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping

47. be honest

48. be very rich

49. not stress her out

50. not look at other girls


51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

Police arrested a drunkard & asked: Where r u going?

Man: I'm going 2 listen lectures on ill effects of drinking.

Cop: Who'll lecture at midnight?

Man: My wife...


Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.

After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.


Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.


What's the biggest pressure for Pak captain when Pak needs 1 run to win

In 8 over’s, with 5 wickets in hand?

Ya Allah! How to speak English in presentation ceremony?


So many options: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a

Building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow and sure!


Have u heard about the man who threw his wife into a pond of crocodiles?

He's now being harassed by the animal rights for being cruel to the crocodiles.


Two men r talking. 1st: I got married coz I was tired of eating out,

Cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes.

2nd: Amazing, I just got divorced for the very same reasons


Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what

Will you pay me?

Husband: I won't have to pay you; you'll get my entire insurance amount.

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. ...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Q: What's the difference between cricketers and condoms?

A: Cricketers drop the catches and condoms catches the drops.

Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and a woman?

A: Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, riding a woman you fix your legs & move your ass.

Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?

A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.

Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

A: Because they are tired of using their own.

Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?

A: A teabag.

Q: Who is a gynecologist?

A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure.

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?

A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?

A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology. When the baby looks like neighbor, then it is sociology.

Q: What's the height of recycling?

A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

Videos - Women can park

Monday, March 16, 2009 | 0 comments |

There are many ways to eat a masala dosa. Whatever the way one eats; there is a very good reason for doing that. It shows some traits of the person that is you...

1. People who open the masala dosa and eat it.

2. People who start from both end and approach the masala later.

3. People who do not finish all the masala.

4. People who finish all the masala with the little dosa they have.

5. People who start from the middle and proceed to both ends.

6. People who eat the dosa making sure that the masala lasts for the whole dosa.

7. People who take one or two bites and then offer the dosa to others.

8. People who wait for others to make the offer first.

9. People who offer dosa only when they cannot finish it on their own.

10. People who offer the whole dosa and eat from others plates.

So next time you sit with a person eating a masala dosa, look closely and see if he falls into one of the above categories. You may be surprised as how much it reveals about the person.

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This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead

This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh

Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly


Sunday, March 15, 2009 | 0 comments |

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A man ordered a soup in the restaurant but, as soon as the soup arrived, he had to go to the bathroom.

To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin: "I HAVE SPIT IN THE SOUP".

Once he returned, he found a message on the same napkin: "ME, TOO".

Pamella came to her Boss asking for a day off.

Boss said, " so you want the day off:"

After looking at Pam for quite a while, he said -

"Let's take a look at what you are asking for....

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.

We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and hell will freeze over, if you're going to take that day off!!!" and HHHHH

A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard Iqbal stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?' 'Sand,' answered the Sardarji.

Iqbal says, ‘We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.'

Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardarji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?'

'Sand,' says the Sardarji.

Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.

He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, the Sardarji doesn't show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a 'Dhaba' in Islamabad.

'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?'

The Sardarji, sips his Lassi and says, 'Bikes'

Some really hilarious questions & their answers :

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Harvey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not

.. oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…..

oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.

Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (US)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.

You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

A blonde, socially ridiculed decided to hang herself from a tree in the park and commit suicide.

A little bit later, an old lady walked around noticed her hanging from the rope and swinging.

She asked her what she was doing and if she needed any help.

The blonde firmly replied, "I am committing suicide by hanging."

The old lady says, "You are doing it wrong sweetie, put the noose around your neck not the Waist."

The blonde responses, "Ya giving me trouble again, I tried that, "but I could not breathe."

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Garden Boy - Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist

House Maid - Family Environs Upkeep Manager

Typist - Printed Document Handler

Messenger - Business Communications Conveyer

Window Cleaner - A Transparent Wall Technician

Tea Boy - Refreshments Overseer

Garbage Collector - Public Sanitation Technicians

Watchman - Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer or Wealth Distribution Prevention Officer

Prostitute - Practical Sexual Relations Demonstrator

Thief - Wealth Distribution Officer

Receptionist - Office Access Control Specialist

Cook - Food Preparation Officer

Office Orderly - Office Administration Facilitator

Cleaner - Office Hygiene Control Specialist

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.

Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.

He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.

She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

Santa Singh got up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone.

"Is this one one one one one?", says the voice.

"No, this is eleven eleven."

"Are you sure it isn't one one one one?"

"No, this is eleven eleven."

"Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of the night."

"That's all right, Mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway."

Pictures - Handy chair

Wednesday, March 11, 2009 | 0 comments |

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A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted.

At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.

She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.

"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm.

Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "At our house, we have everything."

"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."

"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."

"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.

"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said, "God, that's all we needed."

Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.

Little Mary got up and said, "My dad is a pilot and my mom is an architect."

"That's great", replied the teacher.

Little Michael got up and said, "My dad is a doctor and my Mom is a lawyer."

"Excellent!" the teacher said.

And on it went until Little Johnny stood up and said, "My mom is a substitute."

The teacher knew Little Johnny's family well and said, "Don't you mean she's a *prostitute*?"

"No, teach. Sis is a prostitute. When she's on the rag, my mom *substitutes*."

In life, never look down on anybody, unless

U R getting a lovely view of the Cleavage!


Whenever you see a woman and an opportunity don't screw

the opportunity!


Indian : Sir we got a huge order from Pakistan for 16 inches condoms.

I think .It is to embarrass us.

Boss: No problem! Complete the order and mark them "SMALL SIZE."


What is the definition of a Lesbian?

Yet another Damm Woman trying to do a Man's job!!


Today’s generation: Six year old boy to a four year old boy:

Dude, I found a Condom in the balcony.

Four year old boy: What's a balcony?


Mr. Chu from China & Mr. Tiya from Korea came to India & setup a Firm..

Till now, they have no Business & are still wondering why their firm:

CHUTIYA & CO. Failed?


When God made me, He asked, "Great Memory or Giant Penis?”

I can’t remember what I said.


What advice does the doctor give to sick prostitutes?

Stay out of BED for two days.

HOW to kill a MOSQUITO in 5 easy steps.......

1. Catch it alive.

2. Tie its legs.

3. Then make a "Gudgudi" in its stomach.

4. When mosquito laughs, catch its mouth....

5. Pour a spoon of poison.....

Mission Accomplished. ...

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother,

"Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie (The cab driver) , upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummy, do the ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

Funny - Best english ever

Saturday, March 07, 2009 | 0 comments |


best english


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and


Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my

Intelligence comes from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother,

Cause I still have mine"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court

Judge said,

"And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week"

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and

Then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"


This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde

Wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.

Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks,

"How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the

Horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation He said, "I did that by


She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

What happens to the Lipstick used by the ladies?

5% of the Lipstick is sticked to the cutlery.

25% of the lipstick goes to Tissue Paper & Cotton Tabs at the time of removing the Make Up.

15% of the Lipstick goes in Drain at the Time of Washing Face & Lips.

10% is dumped in the Garbage as Unused.

5% of the Lipstick is found in the Women’s Stomach Due to Newer Flavors’ & Essences.

And the remaining 40% of the Lipstick I guarantee you that you will find it in Man's Stomach.

Quotes - Great funny quotes

Thursday, March 05, 2009 | 0 comments |

1. Love is photogenic it needs darkness to develop.

2. A good discussion is like a miniskirt, Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject!

3. Children in backseats cause accidents, Accidents in backseats cause children!

4. "Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep!

5. There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning!

6. "ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY", So what? Who's in a hurry?

7. "Hard work never killed anybody", But why take the risk! (I don't want to be an exception!)

8. "Work fascinates me", I can sit and watch it for hours!

9. My girlfriend ran away with my best friend and I really am sorry for him!

10. A designer dress is like a barbed fence, It protects the premises without restricting the view!

1. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette.

2. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. – Socrates

3. Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. – Dumas

4. The great question... Which I have not been able to answer... Is, "What does a woman want? - Sigmund Freud

5. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. – Anonymous

6. "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." - Henny Youngman

7. "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." - Sam Kinison

8. "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." - James Holt McGavran

9. "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." - Patrick Murray

10. You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Henny Youngman

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says... "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

For Would-Be Grooms:

Rule.No.1 - Never compare your mamma's cooking with your wife's! There is no faster way to dig your own grave than that! Please understand that your mom's cooking has the backing of 20 odd years of experience.. . ..don't expect that from your wife whose hardly into the process! What if she were to compare your earning capacity with her dad's!!! So shshshhhhh.. . ..!!!

Rule.No.2 : Never go out of your way to please the lady with flowers, chocolates and gifts during your engagement period. If ever you do , please follow it up post-wedding too! When you could cover 20kms in 15 minutes when you are engaged just to spend some time with her, how dare you forget her birthday post - marriage, even after you are given the broadest of hints by her!

Remember expectations always double...ever heard of them being halved???

Rule.No.3: Do compliment her every now and then, verbally or with gifts! What are those lovely Teddies and Archies gift cards for? Don't sit there like the Lord Of The Rings expecting to be waited upon! Of course she will do it but everyone likes to be appreciated and pampered!!!!

Rule.No.4: This is very important! Sulking or complaining about marriage being a big mistake is a strict NO -NO!! You got into it with your eyes wide open, brimming with enthusiasm!! No one ever pushed you into it! So why this drama now!

Rule..No.5: Be Brave and take your own decisions and stand up by them!!

Consult your parents for advice but realize that you are grown up enough to lead your life! Respect your partner's views at all times! Remember she has given up a lot more to make a life with you!!

Define contraceptive pill?

It's the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid Pregnancy.


Man teases his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude how was the second-hand Stuff?

New husband: Not bad. After the first 3 inches, she was brand new.


What is d similarity between doing sex & doing surgery?

Skill is more important than the instrument....


The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.

The Lord the Almighty sentenced them to: Hang Till Death!


Girl: Excuse me brother, that's my seat.

Boy: OK! But I'm not your brother; my father never fucked your mom.

Girl: True, but my father did!


A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury.

Next day a headline reads: Team to play without Dicks.

The manager calls up the newspaper and objects,

so the editor changes the Headline.

It reads: Team to play with Dicks out.

Jokes - At the Bar

Tuesday, March 03, 2009 | , 0 comments |

The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you eat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!".

The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

A man went to a sex doctor and told him of his extremely active sex life. He said He had a wife, several mistresses, masturbated, and had wet dreams all the time.

The doctor asked which he liked best.

He Replied, " Wet Dreams, you meet a much higher class of people in them."

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...

"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"

A British cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. The locals always picked on the Brits and when the cowboy was done with his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back in the bar, flips his gun in the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SNAKES STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprised forcefulness. No one answered.


The locals shifted uneasily as they'd never seen anyone quite this upset. When the cowboy finished his beer, he walked back outside and his horse had been returned.

The bartender had followed him out there and asked, "Just out of curiosity, what did you do in Texas?"

"I had to bloody walk home."

A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"There are three types." replies the clerk "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man ask "What is the difference in them?"

The clerk responds "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."


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Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. 'That was my pager,' she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, 'that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'

The older woman felt very low -tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally said........ .well, will you look at that....i'm getting a fax!!