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Pictures - Sexy babe on diet

Wednesday, April 22, 2009 | 0 comments |

diet

1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory.

I am not able to remember, what did I choose?

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2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

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3. My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

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4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

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6. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men

-'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together == 'don't stop'!

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7. Panties are not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

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8. There are three stages to sex in a person's life:

Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

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9. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good

hand.

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10. Q : What's an Australian kiss?

A : The same thing as a French kiss, only down under

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11. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.

He was happy with the Hole and She was happy with the Thing.

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12. Q : What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? (The best one )

A : Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't!

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13. Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence.

Johnny: Her mouth said no, but "her ass meant" yes.

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14. Q : What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A : A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

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15. Q : Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A : Breasts don't have eyes.......

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16. Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed",

Many men still sleep with their wives!

There was one time two friends sitting next to a tree eating their lunch until one friend asks the other, "Hey you see that donkey far away.." and the other friend replies... "yeah I see it." "I bet you 100 bucks, I can make that donkey laugh.. the other friend replies.. "go ahead I bet that money you cant do that". So the friend goes where the donkey was eating his food, approaches to him and lift the donkey's ear and whispers in it.. and the donkey started laughing.. so the other friend loses his money.. in the next 5 min the friend asks the other friend again.. "I bet you 100 bucks more I make the donkey cry".. so he does and the other friend approaches to the donkey and lifts his ear and whispers in it again.. then donkey started to cry... he goes back and the other friend asks: "how did you do that"? his friend replies, easy! "the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his.. "and he laughed.. and the "second time I showed to him..."

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother "How old are you?" Mommy says Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life."

The girl then asks, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?" Mommy says, That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get divorced?" Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything."

The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old." Mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?" The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds." The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

An elderly gentleman married a girl in her early twenties. The wedding went fine and they left on their honeymoon.

The elderly gentleman didn't get right with the program, so he was in a bad mood that night. The young wife felt that he was probably tired and let him sleep for a while.

A couple of hours later being excited for having sex, she decided that this had gone on long enough, but wanted not to appear over anxious and let him be the one in charge. She woke the old fellow up.

"What is the matter", he asked. She replied "This side of the bed is too hard, I want to lay on your side." He got up and walked around the bed, got in on her side and went to sleep.

A few minutes later she was starting to really want to consummate things. She awoke him again. "What now?" He asked. She said, "You know I think I was wrong, maybe that side is more comfortable let me lie on that side." Again he got up walked around, got in, and went to sleep. By this time, she was really ready to make hard, passionate sex.

She really didn't care at this point how it would appear to him. She awoke him again and said, "No, I was wrong your side is more comfortable. Instead of getting up, why don't you just crawl over me and I will scoot across the bed?" He started over and she stopped him right on top and held him.

"Now, do you know what I really want?", she asked.

He replied, "YEAH, YOU WANT THE WHOLE DAMNED BED, BUT YOU AREN'T GOING TO GET IT!"

Videos - Listen to me

Sunday, April 19, 2009 | 0 comments |

Tags:

Jokes - 100 camels

Sunday, April 19, 2009 | 0 comments |

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them arm loaded with belts.

After an impassioned sales talk that yielded no results, the arab asked where they were from.

"America," the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded.

"She's not from the States."

"Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?"

"Yes." she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels for her."

The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

STATE of BIHAR > DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHAROM

*******************************************************

NOTE : If you dont know the answers, please copy from another applikason phorom and submit.

For further instructions, see bottom applikason. Please do not shoot the person at the applikason kounter. He will give you the lisence immediately.

a.. Last name

a.. (Yadav/Sinha/Pandey/Mishra/do not know)

b.. Phust name:

a.. (_) Ramprasad

b.. (_) Lakhan

c.. (_) Sivaprasad

d.. (_) Jamnaprasad

e.. (_) Dont know

f.. (Check appropriate box)

c.. Age:

a.. (_) Less than zero

b.. (_) Zero

c.. (_) Greater than zero

d.. (_) Don't know

d.. Sex:

a.. ____ M _____ F _____ not sure _____ not applicable

e.. Chappal Size:

a.. ____ Left ____ Right

f.. Occupassan :

(_) Politician

(_) Doodhwala

(_) Pehelwaan

(_) House wife

(_) Un-employed

g.. Bhife Name: __________________________

h.. Relationship with Bhife :

(_) Sister

(_) Brother

(_) Aunt

(_) Uncle

(_) Cousin

(_) Mother

(_) Father

(_) Son

(_) Daughter

(_) Pet

i.. Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

j.. Mother's Name: _______________________

k.. Phather's Name: _______________________

l.. Heducasson : 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

m.. Do you (_)own or (_)rent your home? (Check appropriate box)

n.. ___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

o.. Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck

____ bedroom

____ bathroom

____ kitchen

____ shed

p.. Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

q.. Do you have a gun rack? (_)Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

r.. Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

(_) Champak

(_) Indrajal

(_) Star and style

(_) The great Bihar Dairy

(_) Blank sheets

s.. ___ Number of times you've SHOT a UFO

t.. ___ Number of times you've SHOT another person exactly like you

u.. ___ Number of times you've SHOT yourself.(SHOOTING YOURSELF IN MIRROR IS POOR SHOOTING)

v.. Do you bathe?

(_) Yes

(_) No

(_) Not applicable

w.. If yes, how often do you bathe?

(_) Weekly

(_) Monthly

(_) Yearly

x.. Color of teeth:

(_) Yellow

(_) Brownish-Yellow

(_) Brown

(_) Black

(_) Others - Give exact color (call nearest Asian Paints dealer if U dont know the color of your teeth)

(_) Not applicable

y.. How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

____________________

Your thumb impresson

(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.

PLEASE DO NOT USE FINGERS OF YOUR LEGS.

Use thumb on your left hand only. If you dont have left hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on left hand.

NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.)

For instructions to fill this applikason pharom, see beginning of applikason phorom.

Ishmile and have a Nice Day every day !

1234

Humor - 20 great oneliners

Thursday, April 16, 2009 | , 0 comments |

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.

9. True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions -

"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,

Sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...

The 45th bus just went by!"

Humor - Top 9 classifieds

Wednesday, April 15, 2009 | , 0 comments |

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.

3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

7. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Humor - Laws

Wednesday, April 15, 2009 | , 0 comments |

Law of queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.

2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.

3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.

But the law allows only one wife.

9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.

10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Santa was booked into an Air India flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place.

When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, Santa declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drinks!"

So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, Santa began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher and was curious about the food.

"Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked.

Santa picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"

Then Santa took out several pieces of chappatis and started feasting.

"And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.

"Wheat of India!" replied Santa proudly.

Finally, Santa took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.

"What is it?" asked the American.

"Sweets of India!" replied Santa.

After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud 'Pooooooooot!' sound (fart) from Santa.

"What was that?" asked the American, holding his nose in disgust.

Santa replied coolly, "That's Air India."

Jokes - Delecious dish

Monday, April 13, 2009 | 0 comments |

An American was touring Mexico. After his day's sight-seeing, he stops at a

local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious

looking platter being served at the next table. Not only it looked good, but

the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What was that you just served

the gentleman at the next table?"

The waiter replied, " Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the

bull's testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish.

But then he said, "What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day,

since there is only one bull-fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow

and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served

the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he called

the waiter and said, "These are smaller than the ones I saw you serve

yesterday!"

The waiter replied, " See, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins."

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given the

money, he turns to a customer and asks,' Did you

see me rob this bank?'The

man replied,

'Yes sir, I did.'

The robber then shot him and killed him instantly. He

then turned to a

couple standing next to him and asked the man,

'Did you see me rob this

bank?' The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't,

but my wife did!'

Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said to the other, "I'll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio."

"Why, that's right!" said the second man in surprise.

"And I'll bet you were circumcised when you were three days old."

"Right again. But how'd you --"

"And I'll bet it was done by old Doc Steadman."

"Well, yes, but how did you know!?" asked the second man in amazement.

"Well, old Doc always cut them at a 60-degree angle," explained the first guy, "and you're pissing on my shoe."

A little johnny got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said. "I am a Father."

The little boy replied. "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.

"The priest looked up from his book and answered.

"I am the Father of many."

The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way! The priest, getting impatient, said.

"I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said.

"Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar."

. A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

how to shit

A boy had reached 4 without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit but couldn't make him leave it.

Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh... I know what you've been doing."

A new teacher was getting to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father did for a living.

The first little girl said: “My name is Mary and my Daddy is a postman.”

The next child, a little boy said: “I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.”

And so it went until one little boy said: “My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease artist in a gay club.”

The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject. Later, in the school yard, the teacher

approached Little Johnny privately and asked if it was really true that his dad danced nude in a gay bar.

Little Johnny blushed and said, “No, he’s really a Business Development Director at Lehman Brothers, but I’m just too embarrassed to tell anyone.”

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord."

"Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed."

"The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain."

"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation."

"They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my beautiful blonde wife, the word is 'sternum."

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it.

So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?'' Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see.''

Well, what the heck? She did as they advised. The next day her neighbor asks how it worked. "So-so,'' she answers, "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.''

2 sardaron ko 2 bomb mile,

1st Sardar: chal police ko de k aate hain.

2 sardar: agar koi bomb raaste me phat gaya to?

1st sardar: jhoot bol denge ki 1 hi mila tha

********************

Police: Tumhe kal subah 5 baje phaasi di jayegi.

Sardar: Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Police: Kyon hasn rahe ho?

Sardar: Main to uthta hi subha 9 baje hun.

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Sardar 2 doctor: Mujhe 1 problem hai

Dr: Kya?

Sardar: Baat karte waqt aadmi dikhai nahi deta

Dr: aisa kab hota hai?

Sardar: Phone karte waqt

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Hitler says, "There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary"

Sardar says: Ab bolne se kya faayda? "Jub kharidi thi tab hi check karna tha na"

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1st sardar: oye agar neend na aaye to kya kia jaaye?

2nd Sardar: Neend ka intizar karne se achha hai ki banda so hi jaye

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1 sardar rail ki patri per so gaya .

1 aadmi ne kaha kya kar rahe ho? Train aayegi to mar jaoge!

Sardar: Mere uper se hawai jahaaz guzar gaya to kuch nahi hua, train kya cheez hai?

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In bio practical:

Examiner: Tell me the name of this bird by seeing its legs only?

Sardar: I don't know.

Examiner: You are failed, what's your name?

Sardar: See my legs & tell my name

A man was in doubt if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority:

a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."